self_esteem_lowering silentbob so_this_is_what_it's_like_being_me ok so yeah i did that wrong 021216 ... the swinger of birches lol bobby. somehow your mistake is timely if not typical. muah! 021217 ... unhinged games_that_play_themselves_out 080216 ... past not really kinda raising but fuck i don't know. an incoherent response is worse than a rejection. (unhinged, my thoughts have turned from a different lady since vaguely_amazing, though that lady is still gorgeous and brilliant and lovely. but such a wonderful friend.) [[I assume you can guess the genealogy of my self-naming]] 080216 ... unhinged i've had so many friends though p so many (i think i can guess your geneaology) 080217 ... unhinged which she (who is much sought after by guys) reminded me is not a bad thing to be the 'friend' but i too feel a big empty lacking hole where all my 'friends' go i don't want any more friends they don't fill the aching in my heart cause for once i just want to be desired appreciated needed loved all at once by one person oh blah 080217 ... unhinged she said it over and over 'you have such a great smile. you are so great. i was telling '(...)' about you....' and there is a strange, powerful attraction between us. but she's taken. it's always the taken ones that realize my greatness. so, i have to ask, what would be the point? 080427 ... birdmad pretty much the entirety of the period between 1997 and 2005 fell into that category repeatedly thank hell that's all done with 080428 ... unhinged well, i am five years and going on my cycle of 'friendships' and if it wasn't for the sweetness of the people that tell me how great i am, i might possibly lose it at the mention of such things. yeah, i am so great and i've spent so much of my life achingly alone. AAAAHHHHH but you guys know what i mean. 080429 ... unhinged . still terrified_of_being_sweet terrified_of_being_cool my desire to share myself with new people has all but left me. i am too serious, too intense, too independent, for west_coast facebook okcupid 'dating' bullshit 140116 ... epitome of incomprehensibility Remembering the teacher who said to oneself, "Well, I've never had to make ACCOMMODATIONS for GRAD students before" as if the fact that I couldn't meet all the deadlines made me somehow subhuman. Remembering the fact that one is wallowing in things that happened to one in 2012. ...Or the fact that I started a "red blather kvetching page" and then abandoned it because I couldn't think of anything to complain about once I'd set my mind to starting a page about complaining. Someone else needs to do that. Or send me a link. I'm sinking here, without a link. Or indelible ink on a mink. 140116 ... unhinged fuck that teacher good teachers always make accomodations 140117 ... unhinged kvetch 140117 ... e_o_i Thanks :) I know I've got to let go of the things that happened that year. Even the ones that were my fault. However, the event above has a sort of sociological point; or, to speak in workaday language, it reminded me of something other than my boring self. The year before, in one of the TA workshops I went to (mainly to eat free muffins, socialize, and get a certificate thing) the leader spoke on disabilities and avoiding discrimination. One phrase stuck out to me: "Intent doesn't matter" (re "ableist" comments). I remembered it because I disagreed. Intent does matter. But I was also missing the point. What she meant was that discrimination is still very much a part of society, so people can say unfair things without realizing it, and we all have to be more mindful. So if someone with an ADHD label (nothing special, nothing particularly visible) can feel singled out by an offhand comment, how much more often do people with serious, visible disabilities get that treatment? Added to the problems their disabilities already cause them? That was something to think about. I DO have more things to complain about today! But I have work first... 140117 what's it to you? who go blather from