right_here_right_now tender_square i keep telling myself “i am exactly where i need to be” and it’s true. things are so difficult right now and i’m crying all the time, but it’s *necessary*—we don’t get to bypass hard things just because we don’t want to walk through them. “the presence process” says that when we encounter rough patches like this what we’re experiencing now is actually a charge from childhood: “none of our current physical, mental, and emotional discomfort arises from what’s happening now, even though it’s clearly *reflected* in what’s happening now” (166). i keep trying to come back to this, to say michael is not the problem, it is me—or rather, that he is here to teach me things about my past i need to get through and integrate. * i confronted him again last night, telling him i thought he’s hardened to me and the world (see "crying"). his excuse was that he feels like he’s doing everything he can to protect us, and i gave him my appreciation for that, because it is true. i spoke about the lack of energy i felt from him and he told me he thinks things will improve once we live in a post-covid era and we can eat in restaurants and go to concerts again. he said he thought getting the house in windsor and starting the immigration process would help, so i’m hanging in there. i want to support him as best i can. but he’s just so damn dissatisfied by things out in the culture—he feels he has no counterpoint out in the external world to show him where he belongs and where his book will belong when he’s ready to share it. and that must be so damn painful and isolating, i don’t know how he deals with that; i don’t know how he’s *been* dealing with that for as long as he has. i brought up the relationship between the internal and external, saying that they are a reflection of one another. i asked what was going on internally for him that could be mirroring the chaos and uncertainty he sees beyond himself. he said he wasn’t projecting because he still connects with culture from the past. “why can’t there be another show like ‘the office’?” he asks this constantly; he holds everything to the quality of that program. “because that’s not the time period we live in anymore!” he thinks there’s not enough edge in shows and movies or music, we don’t ridicule power the way we used to back in the 90s, the jokes aren’t funny anymore because people are too scared to say something that will offend. i agree with these sentiments, though i’m not sure i hold them as strongly as he does. i sort of accept where things are because what else are we supposed to do? “why do you compare everything to some earlier time you perceive as being greater than this one?” i’ve asked him. “i’m not saying we’re in a great place culturally, but i can still find things that inspire me and make me curious.” “why are you expecting me to compromise and accept something that i think is dangerous for where we are as a society?” we dug into this idea more today; he thinks the sociological problem is that we are in a state of moral panic, which is suppressing our collective creative drive. this makes sense to me, though i don’t have the brain power or the gift of abstract thought to explain it further here. * it’s like how i feel with my dad; i don’t know how to be there for michael. he feels so alone and i feel so alone and we are so alone together. i know i have to be secure in myself as we move through this rough patch. i know i have to keep doing what i am doing for myself. i can’t “fix” michael—there’s nothing to fix, and if there was, it’s not mine. too often in my life, i have indulged in escape fantasies and if i don’t confront what i’m confronting right now i will keep repeating the childhood pattern i’m encountering ad infinitum. i know michael and i will find a good patch again and i have to allow for that. again, he repeated to me yesterday, “you’re lucky that you’re able to get so much from nature and from spirituality, it’s easy for you.” i disagree; i put a lot of effort and intention behind my spirituality because i have to if i want anything to grow from my creative practice. i wish michael did this more, but it’s not my place to push. * “i felt that i was being judged last night,” he said to me this morning. “i was thinking about that,” i said. “i worried that you felt that way and it wasn’t my intention.” “why is it that every time i offer a criticism about a show or a song, people automatically believe that i am criticizing them? it’s been happening my whole life.” last night we were arguing about the quality of “ted lasso.” i like it; he thinks it meh, and he’s the one who suggested we start watching it. “i don’t know; but if that’s the case, it may be worth examining further,” i suggested. “what? by not saying anything at all? by holding those opinions inside?” “no, i’m not saying that…” i hesitated. “maybe you could be softer about it?” “the thing is, i am being softer about it. i used to be a lot harsher.” i started to cry when he said this. “what’s wrong? what did i say?” “nothing, it’s nothing.” “it’s not nothing.” “it’s just…you say that you are softer now than what you were, but that’s not how it feels to me. when you criticize something i like, it makes me feel like you are judging me for getting enjoyment out of something that doesn’t meet *your* standards.” “did i ever say those actual words?” “no, you haven’t,” i concede. “i’m just telling you how it feels to be on the receiving end of that. this could be why it’s been an issue for you with other people.” “you are asking me to compromise on my values, you are asking me to pretend that i don’t feel what i feel!” “i’m not asking you to do that, though i’m sure it must sound that way,” i said. “you keep saying that i should just accept things where they are, and i think that’s *wrong.*” “i don’t think you should accept where things are right now. i get it, you’re trying to be true to your own feelings in your own way—i don’t want you to comprise on that, you shouldn’t have to compromise on that!—you know yourself better than anyone else does.” i went on: “i keep thinking that you’re trying to change the fact that i am too emotional for you right now; and you keep thinking that i’m trying to change the fact that you aren’t connecting to the world right now. we’re both feeling the same thing, we’re both trying to be honest with what we’re going through, but we’re on different parts of the spectrum—we’re both just trying to understand each other.” it was the first thing we agreed upon today. 211014 what's it to you? 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