as_if_aware_of_something crOwl finger to mouth "listen," you say, "i have a secret." lips to ear your breath is hot and wet your voice cracks "what?" i ask, too busy cringing. but you're gone. people lie to themselves all the time while searching for the truth. 050210 ... crOwl maybe i can never actually become you inside your bones like a bird in a cage but once i was a boy... i knew what you are now doing i can remember being taught something new, something for the first time. how fear became an obstacle i had to be carried over. when i trembled, i needed embraced. i needed someone that could take away what i didn't want. someone that spoke softly and had so many ways of tenderness, someone who listened to my tears and didn't tell me to quit my whining, as my weeping was the only sound like the lonely call of single bird in a silent forest. and those who see me as another frustration in their miserable, hung-over life, i hate. i want them to go away, put down the pen and stop writing the perpetual suicide note. notice me, instead. their laconic insolence and indolence extunguishes the tiny flame of my potential, stuttering in the wind of their foul breath. their sharp, incisive criticism cuts the thin skin of my translucent soul. their short-fused impatience is an unavoidable nuisnace. a hungry mosquito. a vampire bat. fleas on a dog draining my energy, turning enjoyment into dreaded misery. maybe i miss my mother, but it is they who have made me feel her absence. they, who for ninety minutes must become enough of a distraction so i can't see past them to where she stands waiting for me, wanting me to succeed. tell me i'm doing good even if i suck. sing me pretty white lies. help me to become a better person than you. it is your responsibility as a human. and when you do this for me it can't be any more beautiful. i just won't be able to take it all in. 060124 ... c r 0 w l maybe i shouldn't perpetuate this snake-bitten haze. i'll just suck out the poison and spit it on the ground. taste the unexpected sweetness and feel the relief that i can do something to save myself. 081106 ... unhinged we are each our own little islands in the sea of suffering. i wish we could just become a continent. all of us. (we sat on the roof outside their living room talking politics and i busted out some hippy perennial variation on 'i wish we were all just nice to each other.' he laughed at me and said sneering 'can't we all just get along....get real.' i find it very hard to talk to him now) 081106 ... unhinged my uncle has been fighting with his wife for over a year and they have been separated for eight months. he is having a hard time letting_go of his cheating dirty wife because they have a child together. when my uncle asked paige what she wanted for christmas she said 'i want my mommie's heart back' my uncle tries very hard to protect her from the fighting. she is just aware enough at five years old to know what's going on. my heart broke into little pieces and folded in on itself when my mother told me that. 'i want my mommie's heart back.' ouch. 090102 what's it to you? who go blather from