3am soia I was trying to sleep last night. It wasn't coming. It wasn't ever coming. So I got up, 3am. I wondered who would either still be awake or not mind me waking them up. Who else but the person who decided to wake me up at 3 the morning of the day I had 3 finals? So I went down, and he was still up. I was hoping he'd have some weed but he had something better. Meth (see I knew there was something good about living near sacramento). I figured hell it was better than feeling like shit for not having slept. I didn't actually feel like talking to him, so I went for a drive. I guess that's when I got on the karma payment plan. I went out towards the fields and decided to drive off the road. I began to feel like if I accelerated fast enough then the car might just fly. Unfortunately, long before that happened I ran into a big metal barn like thing. And I guess I wasn't going as fast as I thought because the car wasn't totalled. The front end is nicely smashed, as is my nose, though. I should probably go to the doctor, but they might say something about the gaping wounds extending down my arms. When I used to have the sheets with roses on them, I was concerned that when the blood soaked through my sheets, the pattern would be disprupted. Luckily now I have solid pale cream sheets. Or at least I did. Turns out they soak it up quite nicely. However it takes a lot to fill up a whole bed I guess. And meanwhile the wounds keep sealing up. So I laid in bed waiting for morning to come. And when I woke up I realized I was in a rock and roll band. Satan gave me a taco and it made me really sick. 010314 ... birdmad As i lay dreaming in my wound-up state, i felt a pain in my mouth the combination of this neverending romantic angst and other pent-up sexual frustration along with the debacle that has become my place of work and the added workload created by those who have quit becuase the place was driving them crazy anymore. i woke up to discover that i had been gnawing on my own tongue and had scraped its edges raw my first cup of coffee when i got into the office a few hours later was a delicious exercise in masochism 010314 ... soia I guess the moral of the story is that none of that was entirely impossible. It came from a combination of stuff in my brain ("karma payment plan" by modest mouse, something I wrote a long time ago about slitting my wrists and being found dead in my bed, thoughts while lost on farm roads, "satan gave me a taco" by Beck). But it just would not have happened last night. I'm not self destructive any more. 010314 ... birdmad every night before i ever actually fall asleep 010916 ... unhinged i was looking at this weeks edition of time magazine transfixed by the horrible pictures. i couldn't go to bed until i had read the thing cover to cover which didn't take very long considering it was the thinnest edition of time i've ever seen. but it was probably the most impactful as well. the picture of all the firefighters standing in the rubble made me cry; that could have been my dad until guliani asked people to stop coming to help. he signed up on the union list. 010917 ... jinx I hope my mom doesn't know I'm late... 020403 ... distorted tendencies 3am syndrome. www.orl.org 020403 ... misstree the clock is shaking its head in dismay. "you know better." it doesn't matter. "you're not as young as you used to be." fuck you. "i mean that you're wearing your body down. you'll get sick. the bags under your eyes are growing." but i don't want to sleep. i'm not supposed to sleep yet. "you need to sleep." i don't need to do anything but grow old and die. "you're accelerating, and it's making moments fly by faster." tomorrow. i'll get more sleep tomorrow. 031219 ... lotuseater satan gave me a taco and it made me really sick the chicken was all raw and the grease was mighty thick the lettuce it had maggots and i ate every one i was gettin kinda dizzy eatin all the lard or something like that, i dont recall now 031220 ... lotuseater go to bed you fucking hippy! 040117 what's it to you? who go blather from