silent_conversations unhinged for almost a year i have harbored the regret that i didn't talk to you much as you were dying but i am reminded of uncle al's funeral, the cemetery. you wouldn't go near the headstone with her and her family. you stayed by the car, lit up a cigarette. i also lit a cigarette and grabbed your empty hand in mine. your breathing was a little ragged with tears but you didn't say a word so neither did i. for days i had been by her side as she planned the funeral while you were not. that was when i realized just how bad you really were with your emotions. that my tendency to avoid wasn't mine alone. that some of my expressions of that tendency were learned from you. when i looked at you and saw the ring of tears in your eyes you were trying so hard to hold in, i looked away so if you needed to let them fall there would not be a witness. but i did not let go of your hand. my childhood panic often manifested in hyperventilation. i think your emergency medical training taught you how to spot my panic even if you didn't want to talk to me about it. or when the words 'calm down' only made it worse because the stress hormones flooding my body from my hyperactive disordered nervous system didn't respond to words. so sometimes you would just bear hug me. i would usually squirm at first because i have a perverse aversion to touch when im irritated. but you would not let go until i hugged you back, until you could feel me relax completely. my primate responses deeper than my epigenetics, thank goddess. so i avoided being alone with you when you were dying. i let other people have your last words and confidences. your voice had changed so drastically, probably from the fungal infection you were also suffering, that part of me wouldn't accept that it was you anyways. i sat in your periphery when you were awake, held your hand at night so the people who kept you comfortable during the day could sleep. i played the recording i made of your song so quietly, im not sure if you actually heard it. but in the seconds before your death, i could feel you struggling to stay and the perfect words tumbled out 'we will be ok dad. SHE will be ok. i promise.' and then you were gone. 211218 ... tender_square i'm crying as i read this, nicole. you infuse your heart into every word you write. thank you for inviting us in, and giving us so much. you're beautiful. 211218 ... unhinged thanks so much for your kindness t_s i miss him a lot today 211218 ... Scarlet photos Always so intensely heartfelt 3 230910 what's it to you? who go blather from