i_go_through_all_this crOwl even as he wished there was no one to see him, he broke the law. touched the untouchable. overtly without fear of the tragic consequence as if his life was a film he watched until he grew tired and fell asleep. 050818 ... Syrope it's so fucking cold and everyone i can think to call would take the worst kind of advantage of me right now i can't believe i almost said some of the things i wanted to say to you last night. i need some goddamned closure. i need some support. i need help with this fucking pigsty. i need to sleep alone some nights. i don't know why your continual fuck-ups make ME feel so bad. i don't know why you can't make someone with the mentality of an 8 year old understand that they're not welcome any more. not wanted. not valued. unless it's not true, which i have suspected for a long time. and today i defended you. i made up stories about how you've been there for me, how you've stood up for me. i drove home feeling like maybe you would defend me. i was planning to mention it tonight, cuddling after dinner. but i don't want to be close to anyone right now. i don't have an appetite any more. suddenly i'm realizing that the woman today knew what she was talking about. what do i know about love? at 21. it's about power. it's about manipulation. it's about using each other. and i pretended that i didn't believe i knew much about love, for her sake. i didn't have the heart to tell her that i've been abused and hurt in every way imaginable, and that at 21 i'd gone through more hardtimes in my life than she'll see before she dies. and i clean for the goddamned cable worker, who wouldn't give a shit one way or the other. you left like you were relieved i asked you to go. you manage to hurt me in new ways every time you fucking turn around. and i hope you've found this page. i hope you feel as dirty as i do for the things we know about each other. it's just not fucking fair. 050819 ... unhinged and it makes me feel old disillusioned trampled spit on USED but deep at the heart of it, i refuse to believe that humanity is inherently bad. even though i have irrefutable evidence to prove it, i refuse to believe it. i refuse to let_go of hope and my trust of others. but maybe that's only so that i can tell myself i told you so when the irrefutable kicks me in the face again. so that i can make myself more miserable than anyone else ever has. so that i can fuel my self_disgust. the warring factions of my heart and brain are impossible to reconcile. 050819 ... slothisily deleting you from my memory has become easier and easier. while you are still there, I become less and less worried about what you have done to me. but i can't cut the last strings without cutting my soul. i don't know why i even bothered caring in the first place. i go through all this and it doesn't even matter. 050820 ... misstree and i wonder if i should feel wiser or stronger or worldly and sometimes all i feel is tired but mostly i'm just happy i feel. 050822 ... raze and all this goes through me as if my body were made of mist i see it on the other side of the dividing line between what is ephemeral and what endures 130404 ... styx anger rushes through me, and a dichotomy exists between the blood that boils and the ice-pick in my temple that resembles a never-ending brain freeze. i wish i could step out of this horrific motion picture of which i have a lead role. where is the light? 130405 what's it to you? who go blather from