skin_hunger
unhinged the appetite for human touch


deprivation hardwired
embodiment of isolation


when i was younger
i tumbled into bed
too easily
i thought i wanted orgasms
to cover up the trauma
but
in recent years of celibacy
my surface_level casual_sex
was really about
needing physical affection


i got on the bus in
the middle of the night
because he booty called me
and the memory of
his adorable face
collapsed my better judgement
he made me wait outside for so long
i almost left
in actuality
i barely knew him
so i stood in front of him
hesitant
'what are you waiting for?
you know why you're here
take your clothes off'
i felt slapped in the face
but complied anyway
felt little to no pleasure
from the sex
which he didn't seem to notice

he got what he wanted
climbed out of bed
and facetimed his ex or maybe not ex
in the other portion
of his tiny studio
i could hear EVERYTHING
lying naked in his bed
i could hear the suspicion
in her voice
i could hear his lies

so for the first time
in my absurd self negating sex life
i decided i wasn't going to
take it anymore
got up and got dressed to leave
all the while
listening to him lie
to the girl he presupposedly loved

i could have blown up
his whole life
on my way out the door
as i had to go in the room
where he was video chatting
to grab my hoodie
but i didn't want to say anything
didn't want to look at him
he had the gall to try to
wordlessly ask me where i was going
while still talking to his girl
who could also see his lying face

i slammed the door
as i left
wordlessly


i was almost to the busstop
when i saw him calling
'at least let me drive you home'
'oh i can get myself home just fine'
he kept trying, talking
i recognized the lies in his voice
when he started to apologize
oh hell no playa
i stopped walking
so i could bend over just enough
to scream into the phone
with more power
'I AM NOT YOUR FUCKHOLE'
and then i hung up
and started to cry
because
that was exactly what i was




my last vestiges of trust
seemed to be broken
but when i declined his invitation
to go back to his hotel
because i knew what
most men expected
even if they wouldn't
directly say it
and he didn't react
the way i was accustomed to
a space opened up inside me
that i didn't realize had collapsed
by the weight of
too many repetitions
with different faces


the distance between us
makes my skin ache



i realized that what
i really needed from
him
someone
anyone
wasn't orgasm
(chances are
i would do that
better myself)
but just hugs and cuddles 		211010
...
raze (this is so powerful.) 211010
...
tender square came here to write the same thing. so raw. so real, unhinged. i can't even begin to tell you how much i appreciate seeing your poetry here on red today. 211010
...
unhinged thanks yous


's post inspired by seeing the term in 'seek you' as she finished it this morning 		211010
what's it to you?
who go 		blather
from