toots_and_truffles tender_square i stood at my co-worker’s desk, whispering. “laura, have you ever seen ‘dumb & dumber’?” she spun around in her chair. “it’s been a long time, but yes.” she wrinkled her eyes, she was smiling beneath her mask. “why?” “do you remember the scene with harry on the toilet?” “oh, yes.” “well…i just had a somewhat similar experience to that in the second-floor bathroom,” i giggled conspiratorially. “no!” she leaned in closer. “yes!” i was trying to compose myself enough to tell the story between jags of chuckles. “so, i had to pee but i also had this feeling in my stomach like i had a lot of gas. i tried to see if the single restroom down the hall was free but it wasn’t. so, i went upstairs. i couldn’t tell if anyone else was in the bathroom, but as soon as i started going pee,” the laughter came in spurts, like hyperventilation, “my farts were so loud it was like a goddamn orchestra!” laura cackled in her chair, her voice filling the office. “i couldn’t stop it! it was so loud and so long—there was no way to possibly cover it up—and because of this, i started laughing in the stall as it was happening, which just made it worse. there was no deucing action, but the farts—they were incredible!” i was laughing so hard at this point that i was doubled over and shaking silently. “i swear, if i would have used the single stall, you would’ve heard me from your desk! i have no idea what the hell i ate!” later, it dawned on me that i had consumed 32 ounces of spinach in the span of four days like i was goddamn popeye. after a time, we both ahhhh-ed in that satisfying way. laura wiped at her eyes and i caught my breath. “i have a bathroom story for you!” she said. “it’s about my former roommate. so, she used to make these oreo truffle things all the time that were mixed with cream cheese, it was, like, her thing. one day we’re in her car and we’re going to the mall together and she pulls this tupperware container out from underneath her seat and offers me a truffle. i say no, because they’ve been in her hot car and she says, ‘oh well, more for me i guess,’ and eats what’s left of them.” “nooooooo!” “uh-huh. so, we get into the mall and we’re in the first store and suddenly she says to me, ‘i don’t feel very good, i need to go to the bathroom,’ and she leaves. a few minutes later, i get a text from her that says, ‘i’m really not feeling good,’ and i write back, ‘do you need me to call your mom?’ like, i don’t know what to do!” laura was shrugging and animated, her eyes shining. “so, i leave the store and wait outside of the bathroom for her. and i see all these women going in to use the bathroom and then turning right around and leaving.” “you didn’t!” i was doubled-over again, trying to catch my breath. “oh, it gets worse. a mom was there with her toddler and they exit the bathroom and as soon as they step out, the toddler throws up onto the floor, and the mother is rubbing the kid’s back saying, ‘i know honey, it really smelled bad in there.’” i boomed, “OH MY GOD!” we were both howling. the laughter gripped me with such force my back slid down the cubicle wall i had been resting against and i was crouched into a ball, unable to stand, worried my farts would go renegade once more. “and so…” she couldn’t manage the words through the chortles, “i gave her the nickname…‘truffles’!” we erupted into whoops, so loud i heard a co-worker across the office speaking louder in the phone because of how disruptive we were being. after we composed ourselves, laura said, “i had to step away from the bathroom because i didn’t want people to know she was my friend! and after we met up in another store she said to me, ‘i feel so much better now.’” “did you tell her about what you saw?” “of course not! i couldn’t do that to her! and so she thinks her nickname is truffles because of how often she baked them, not because of the mall incident.” 220325 ... epitome of incomprehensibility According to my textbook, *pérd-e- is the reconstructed Proto-Indo-European root for "fart." (Good old Benjamin W. Fortson IV, giving us the important info!) 220326 ... tender_square (i love that you would add this bit of linguistic knowledge to this blathe as only you can, e_o_i!) 220327 what's it to you? who go blather from