nosebleeds raze i have swallowed rivers of blood. i started getting nosebleeds when i was six or seven. they weren't normal nosebleeds. they were bad. the doctor said he thought it might be a constricted blood vessel. he wasn't sure. he gave me nasal spray and some pills. i don't think the pills did anything, and the spray probably made it worse, but there was something i liked about the sting. it felt like an uncomfortable way of drinking something i couldn't taste. the nosebleeds got worse when i was stressed. i got one when my little sister rolled off the couch in her sleep and smacked her head on the floor and i thought she was dead or dying. i got one in kung fu class when a girl whose name i can't remember hit me in the face. i think it was the same morning i slept in and came to class with some serious bedhead. i asked to use the bathroom. there was an orange comb on the sink. i wet my hair and did what i didn't have time to do at home, and some remnant of product from the day before gave me hold and shine i wasn't expecting. i got one when i pissed off the first girl i was sure i loved. i typed an email with one hand while the other tried to staunch the bleeding. all the uppercase letters i thought i loved as much as her went missing. i didn't miss them at all. i got one when i played the grand piano at the muchmusic studio in toronto. it was the same piano art garfunkel played earlier the same day. they told me. i was running on no sleep. i was so scared i started leaking blood. i was able to breathe in deep and hard enough to keep it from showing. it was always the left side of my nose. i would press wadded up kleenex against the cartilage until it hurt and i would sit and wait for it to be over. sometimes when i thought it was safe i would pull the kleenex away and it would start again. sometimes i thought it would never stop. one time it happened in the car. summer. skinny arms exposed. i bled and listened to robert forster bleed too. he sang: one light one light's all you need to keep the dark out one look one look's all it takes to put the fire out too close and he knew it his knowledge cost him everything he had too tired to feel it you shake him and the only thing that breaks you shake him and the only thing that breaks are bones and bones and bones and bones and bones and bones that break one night i got a nosebleed and i didn't try to stop it. i tried to make it worse. i shoved my finger into the stream and pushed as hard as i could. i wanted to feel arterial blood cover my body. i wanted to see how dark it could get. i wanted to bleed out and die. stevie nicks was singing "stand back" on my tv screen and staring at me. do it, her eyes said. do it. so i did. i tried to make something inside of me break. all i did was make the blood clot. and my nose never bled again. 211029 ... tender_square (holy shit, you played the same piano as art garfunkel, SAME DAY.) 211029 ... raze (i did! it was part of an insane grade eight field trip. i should probably write about it one of these days while the memories are still there. i still have the itinerary. it's mind-blowing stuff. my catholic grade school was ... not a normal catholic grade school. it was so progressive, it made walkerville look a little like a zombie factory. i still can't believe the things we did on that trip. we were split into groups, and all my best friends were in my group. and my dad was our chaperone / group leader. it was a week of magic.) 211029 ... kerry raze, please do write about that! if you want. i would read it, anyway. 211029 what's it to you? who go blather from