ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh crazy lady arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh um, yeah. 040423 ... crazy lady i tried to leave blather again today it didn't work. someday. 040423 ... u24 I keep on trying. 040906 ... sigh and sigh and sigh i'm such a loser. 041126 ... aM i DiStUrBeD? Try to leave and something calls you back. You dont know what it is, Who it is. But you know you must listen. 041126 ... monee i'm trying to figure out my problem i was reading about trauma_and_cfs, which lead me to reading about ptsd and dissociation came across the words depersonalization and derealization, could totally relate to some of that thought to myself 'so maybe i'm not completely crazy' then i thought i'd look back at all the junk i've typed out and ended up back here, reading, writing it seems to be all i can do lately, reading, writing, sitting in my space with my music and my ness trying to chill, reading and writing and blather is the only place i've found myself able to write these days... in fact it seems to be the only place i'm talking i mean, i say hello and goo'day and goo'night to people, my family, my neighbours, we can talk politics, we can talk about the weather, i can blabble sometimes about some historical whatever, but i can't talk about my feelings about myself, save for here and in some past letters i rarely write on paper anymore i haven't been reading paper books i tried starting a blog twice now and couldn't get anywhere beyond a single entry of 'blah' and 'it begins now or maybe it ends' i'm supposed to be on my way to the bus stop right now i need to buy some winter clothes, maybe a pair of boots or a jacket i'm supposed to drop some money off at the radio station and pick up a cd and be given a tour of the operation... twice now i've been told i could start my own radio programme, but i'm afraid of the thought of it, but then i like the thought of it i have a collection of toonies and loonies sitting beside my keyboard, accompanied by a couple quarters i have some money in the bank, enough to buy some clothes and things ouside the air is cold, i like the breathing the cold air, i should go for a walk, i should walk to the bus stop, i should go to the radio station and then go sit in a cafe drawing or spend a few hours shopping but it feels like i have a knife stuck in my shoulder and i'm still in my pyjamas their is a bus leaving any moment now i'm sitting here typing when i could be at the radio station and i'm thinking i'd like to go to sleep and i'm thinking i hate sleep and i'm thinking i hate feeling tired i can barely sit here reading, writing i probably should be going out yet here i am, in my not here way blather and a blanket my company 041126 ... monee oh well there is another bus tomorrow 041126 what's it to you? who go blather from