not_dead_yet anomalous so i must be fine 050515 ... foreverfree but i will be. so many things have gone wrong in my life. so many plans cancelled, so much time lost, so many dreams failed, so many roads disappeared. so many disappointments, that it has started to kill the person that I am inside. I don't remember when I noticed the changes begin, but I do know that lying here, looking back, I have come closer to a living death. one that in time will destroy the person that I once was, and all that will be left will be a decrepit and bitter Roy left out in the world. My life would be the epitome of misery. I'm not dead yet, and I don't want to die just yet. but when I die, I want my body to die with me and my soul to travel on to it's next life with peace and no regrets. 050516 ... nomme) still breathing 050628 ... misstree there's still a battle cold war and i fear sometimes that one side is winning or the other 050628 ... APRicochetMVP "I ain't dead yet, motherfucker!" ~ Richard Pryor 050628 ... leif Last night I thought about dying for the first time in likely two weeks. I was so disappointed. I was lying facing the wall because we haven't quite learned how to navigate the silence between us. I don't know how to talk to her about it because I'm still too afraid that breaking the silence will break her heart. Ten minutes later she got a message telling her that 5 days ago a friend had ingested enough pills to land him in the psych ward. A little perspective and I'm reminded that my death would likely destroy her. I'm still trapped with thoughts that I don't know how to control... Ideation is not my idea of a good time. 160216 ... leif I cried last night because I haven't thought about dying since I wrote about it nearly two weeks ago. She thought I was crying because I was excited--this would not be beyond my capacity as I cry over everything. I feel. So much. 160229 ... raze i should have died so many times. twitching on a friend's bedroom floor. brain battered by analgesics. killed by a speeding car. shot in the back. stabbed through the heart. choking on undigested food that burned my throat when i was hunting sleep. panic repurposed as the heart attack or stroke i always thought it might be. you don't realize how much you want to live until you learn to love what you spent so long trying to push away. and then you feel something like gratitude twined with regret. you wasted so much time trying to disappear. but you're here now. and that's everything. 220704 what's it to you? who go blather from