herestothepassingofallthatcouldbebetweenyouandme itsnothing *maybe this won't be too long* ;) reading through blathes, desperately hoping to find a reference to me, but nothing. i had him for a second! i was taken aback the moment i looked at him at applebee's that first night. --the moment-- then, he kissed me. i was swept off my feet with the first touch, flooded with these emotions and this feeling of such importance when his arms were wrapped around me...but i got nervous when my feet didn't touch the ground. overcompensating for my feelings, i made it seem like i was using him, and he didn't like me anymore. then again, he'll always love her. it was nothing and i feel silly for thinking i could hold a place other than her shadow. i can say that it was nothing, but i can't ignore the fact that i actually had some feelings i will never lose. i can't ignore my heart literally breaking every time he looks so longingly at her, every time they do just what he and i did. than again, optimistically speaking, we were best friends. we are best friends. i have every love for him, and i can love him as a friend. here's to the passing of of all that could be between you and me. wish i could really mean that. 040215 ... unhinged a_list_of_you written on paper photographs from years ago the acid hat you wore down the boulevard in vegas that you gave to me because i had taken away the pain in those memories the night that i felt strangled by you and i jumped out of the bed that we weren't used to sleeping together in and ran downstairs for a glass of water and somedays i think of all this and it makes me sad and somedays i think of all this and it makes me want to hurt you and somedays i know the only reason it makes me sad is because i'm afraid that i will always be alone now without you even though you treated me so bad even though i was the only good thing you ever had but i am beginning to miss arms holding me at night i was there for four years and you waited til i was almost gone to tell me that you loved me even though you treated me like shit you wanted a rag doll which i was content to be for awhile but i think i'm finally through 040216 ... mcdougall You are not and never will be nothing. I want you to know how much I hurt right now. As long as I am here I will never loose this pain. It's my fault, it's all my fault. And now there is nothing for me here. Now it's going to hurt a lot more when I leave 040216 ... itssomething I love you in all the ways I know how to love someone: friend, more than friend, family--and I'm sorry I acted the way I did. And I'm sorry you hurt the way you do, and that I had to be a part of that. I can honestly and shamelessly say that you're everything to me--romantically and not romantically--and I'll always be here for you in whatever way you need. And I need you. You're my best friend--in a totally nonromantic way--and I miss you. again...I love you in all the ways I know how to love someone. I really mean that, and I'll miss you more than anyone else when you leave. 040217 ... mandy i'm a silly girl. sorry. 040530 ... mcdougall and i'm leaving again and i don't know if i'll ever see you again. and i don't know if we'll ever speak again 070104 what's it to you? who go blather from