computer_games blown cherry If I had been left for another woman it would not hurt so much. But time after time, those places of cold, digital comfort have taken you from my arms. Worthless as I know myself to be, unaccomplished, useless, to know that the company of a thing without so much as an essence is prefferable to sharing any time with me, reduces my existence to nothing more than trivial. The tattered old playing card accidently slipped between the pages of the library book and returned. If I were to die, and to return as a computer game, then perhaps I could be with you, be your world as I would have have you be mine. Entranced, we could sit, hours on end, movements intertwined, thoughts and reactions dependant on eachother. How blissful it might be. But more likely, back to this world as a caterpillar I might crawl. To be accidently trodden apon by your new shoes, or flicked off your bag into a drain. Or maybe that goldfish. Trapped by it's own designation, unable to be freed. A part of the entire scene, but so wholly removed from it. But it might be nice to be unable to sustain those happy memories, which only suffice to bring pain at a later date. My heart ripped from me by a creation of man. My soul swept away by a game, not of minds, not of love, but of crueler stuffs than those. They were never meant to take the place of a person. Empty are those who choose to make them so. 020616 ... Joana. That is so sad, it's almost pathetic :-p 020616 ... peyton something about this it quells frustration it quells aggravation there you are a hero there you are a God there, everyone loves you there no one tries to change you no one tells you you're not enough no one wistfully ponders about what you could be no one there cares about your waste there they only wish to serve you they only wish to dance for your amusement they tell you "how skillfully thou dost rule over us, sire.." they don't cry when hurt they don't sting when scorned they don't guilt me when I do things I know I shouldn't if I make a mistake, they can be reloaded and if I don't want to see anymore, I can just turn them off people can't offer me such bliss people always want me to be like this people always want me to do that computer_games don't ask me to do anything I don't want to do and all triumphs are always met with rewards and all dragons there can be slain 020617 ... blown cherry and all dragons there can be slain slain by the dragon at the other end of the console 020618 ... black we choose whom we share our cave 020828 ... peyton I am empty 020828 ... blown cherry Am I doomed to sit outside, waiting cold in the car, just so they can get a ride home in comfort after a night out with their mistress? I suppose it was my choice. I should think more before I choose, but it's too late for that now, I think. 021114 ... splinken Sometimes I like The Sims more than real people. But none of that Sims Online bullshit for me. I like to be able to control ALL of the little people. 030413 ... lotuseater the cool release of the blue glow surrounding me... i can be here. 030414 ... lotuseater i can BE 030415 ... peyton I can be.. me I am a killer. I am the messiah. I am all the entertainment. I am the life of this world. 031001 ... raze twenty years ago, i watched "beverly hills ninja" in gord's coach house and swallowed a hit of e. it was a gel cap. it looked like something you'd take for pain. in a way, i guess it was. i fished it out of the soft case i kept my glasses in, stuck it in my mouth, and washed it down with beer. it was supposed to be tame. it wasn't tame. i was fine with that until my dad called and reminded me i had to be up around eleven the next morning for easter dinner at his girlfriend's parents' place in leamington. he came to pick me up around midnight. i started feeling pretty stupid when it got to be five in the morning and i was sitting crosslegged on my bed with a sore jaw. i got two or three hours of sleep. it felt like no sleep at all. easter dinner was all right. i thought i was going to throw up a few times, but i kept it to myself. someone's son's snotty girlfriend talked about working at the casino. i looked up at the ceiling and wondered if i'd damaged my brain somehow. other than that, i was fine. to everyone else i just looked like a teenager in a nice sweater who was a little tired. before we ate, i played a windows game upstairs. it was called "frogapult". the object was to chuck a series of frogs onto a platform using a catapult. on either side of that platform was a pond. a good shot would propel a frog onto the podium and get you some points. too much juice, or too little, and the frog would get eaten by a fish or an alligator, or it would be impaled on a bunch of spikes. there was a bird circling overhead, waiting to carry your amphibian friends offscreen and have them for dinner if you shot them into the air at the wrong time. no matter what you did, things probably weren't going to end well. it felt like a decent metaphor for my life at the time. 220125 what's it to you? who go blather from