why
minus as the tears fit for position on the front line of my lower eyelids...

all I can do is ask

why
010223
...
Frank F. Kitten drugs 010223
...
silentbob whenever i'm at my most supreme high point of infatuated depression, everything around me reminds me of my feelings. every song on the radio, every movie i watch seems to fit perfectly for my sordid state of affairs 010223
...
birdmad you and me both, kid
you and me both.
010223
...
silentbob and i think...oh if they see this movie too they'll think exactly what im thinking, they'll know what i know, and then they'll realize how right it is for us to be together 010224
...
soia why do you read this if you don't want to talk to me?
why do you say you love me but can't stand to be around me?
why do people say that time heals?
time forgets.
healing comes any time.
so why can't I heal myself?
why do I feel back to where I started?
the pain and the confusion are ripping me apart
I know something in me has changed
but I still don't know how to make myself feel better about him wanting me to stay away from him
there's nothing I can do...
except focus on myself
i know other people have gotten over this
but I can't stop feeling there is hope for us still
I just don't know how to deal with this
"just wait"
010310
...
mikey waiting = torture 010310
...
SOAD eyes
thoughts
heart
forsaken me
011002
...
toxicity you wanted to 011002
...
the only aramaic birdmad knows eloi! eloi! lamai sabachtani?

(paraphrasing SOAD by way of jesus)
011002
...
spoons do you do the things you do? 020221
...
moocow jesus does not exist.
nor does "god".
020712
...
i wish it wasnt so why dont you ever hit birds that swoop in front of your car? they have perfect timing, every time...... crazy 020726
...
the sparrow in the radiator grille not always, not always 020727
...
Jarec does it have to end like this? 020929
...
celestial why dont you just leave me?
i love you.
i want to be with you.
but im not good enough for you.
and if you left it would make it a lot easier for me to get rid of myself.
because as long as youre here,
i cant do it.
021105
...
DammitJanet why do i keep thinking of you?

did you make that much of an impact on my life that i somehow need to keep you in it?

maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you felt the same way.

if you thought of me and didn't know why.
021211
...
. . 030119
...
soia i knew the answer then
i know the answer now
mine is just to cope with the pain
030120
...
yesh One word. In the end the answer always comes down to this. Lying in bed alone. Hearing the birds swoop by. Thinking of the ocean, of the mountains, of places you haven't been, and aren't now. Feeling your body stuck to the same spot; life no bigger than your room. Crying. Not knowing what time it is when you open your eyes again. The sheer physicality of objects seems absurd. Why becomes more than a word at these points; it's an entire emotion. 030513
...
tripleclipse Why does one plus one not equal two? 031210
...
nocturnal do I sit here letting it all pile up? I'm not too busy, I'm not at all unable to do what I know I should.
where
did the excitement and enthusiasm go?
what
will it take to get in me what everyone else seems to already have? whatever it is. I don't even know anymore.

my life is down time. that used to only be small portions of my day, time to unwind and relax. now it's hours of down time and 30 minutes here and there of worth while activity.


what a waste.
051025
...
nom i'm having one of those
why the fuck what the hell
is going on with me moments
060420
...
nom i don't know why i thought 060815
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from