heroin the velvet underground & nico be the death of me 010409 ... i want my fifteen minutes no you can't help me not you guys nor all you sweet girls with all your sweet talk you can all go take a walk and i guess i just don't know well i guess that i just don't know 010410 ... distorted tendencies andy warhol's wig 020401 ... jane sometimes i think i should be addicted to heroin just so there would be an explanation for my inability to get anything done 050225 ... flux hero on heroine heroine on heroin 050227 ... unhinged 'on my way up to the poison party as you can see we get all the way down and i don't care if i get good or bad shit as long as there's enough to go around all the way up to the poison party i'll let you know once i get all the way there and i'm not happy til i'm nonexistant medicated til i disappear' 050228 ... unhinged just a little mud to protect us from the blazing sun of public opinion just a little dirt to cover the inner light battered by the karmic injustice of modern society such an evil little voice to remind us just how weak we are an easy and apt extension of capitalist malaise personally, i'd rather kiss the toilet than your dirty ass 050228 ... unhinged just leave him alone now please 050611 ... jane i don't know when he started. i don't know when he started, or even stopped, because the past year + has been filled with innumerable lies, ranging from microscopic ("yes i will do the dishes") to insurmountable (stolen money). after the theft, amber asked me if he was on drugs, and all the pieces started falling into place. all the lies i should have caught. the baggie in the cig box. the strange behavior. the concern of his sister. the problems at night. should have known. should have noticed. problem is, you can't take that on yourself. accept the guilt for the misdeeds of others, even if you love them. even if you thought you loved them. you don't even know who they are anymore, because they aren't there anymore. there is only the addict and the drug, and after a certain point they are the same entity, self-perpetuating in a downward spiral. you can try to anchor down and save them, but you will more likely drown yourself. you have to let them go. he hasn't lived with me since november, just after my birthday. i kicked him out after i saw the photos from the bank, proving he stole from me. i didn't know about the addiction at the time. he visited sometimes, we'd lay together on the couch and watch movies, until the night he put his hands on me, which was three weeks ago. i have not seen him since. we have spoken, however. he tells me about treatment and jokes about how his mother is driving him insane, making this all about her. i hope he's telling the truth. i need verification, after all those lies. it's difficult, supporting someone through all of this, knowing about my own misdeeds, my own guilt, my ability to cut people out and keep them out. it's harder to simply love, and somehow maintain boundaries. it may be a challenge, and i may lose another year to this madness, but i have to follow my heart. even if it kills me. 180202 ... unhinged will always haunt me 180615 what's it to you? who go blather from