this_time_last_year now_now she says she was happier pleasure in remembering & I remember we were together then me unhappy guilty & she creative in love O how_things_change but I don't regret 080324 ... auburn We ended. And in my wisdom, I declared that we were forever parted. I was so wrong. Because we are so right. 080325 ... crocus I loved a girl a cynical, dark-eyed, deeply spiritual, wounded girl and I left because I learned that two cynical, dark-eyed, deeply spiritual, wounded girls do not go together. 090623 ... unhinged what had just happened to me was stored away deep inside in a place that took months and months to get to; that i stopped meditating because i was afraid to get too close to it too soon. i still don't meditate much. 090623 ... anouk it was all just beginning and i didn't know what it was and i was excited and scared and happy happy and i'm still happy 090624 ... anouk still happy. how long can this go on? giving thanks for happiness 100709 ... unhinged bobby weird blather recent page synchronicity 100710 ... leahcar I thought I'd be getting engaged this time this year... 100711 ... anouk still happy. giving thanks again. 110726 ... unhinged it wasn't long after ouroboros and ever_dumbening had come to visit me in milwaukee while he was off hustling on tour. i had decided mostly just to make him jealous that i was going to start running and created my route in my hood and then soon rediscovered the stress relieving benefits of vigorous sweating and cardio it has been almost a year exactly since the_day_you_died but this time last year i was still in shock from it. your meager acknowledgement did shit to mitigate my fear. joseph and ben were back in town to shoot the riverwest 24 hr bike race so we went to hang. dray gave me some whiskey which gave me the courage to spew what was stuck in my heart and our first gnarly fight began. i am writing this blathe on an amtrak train on my way to a new life because of all the shit that happened this time last year 110730 ... leahcar I was about to untangle myself from the most absorbing and complicated relationship I've experienced. It was the beginning of a battle with myself that, despite the crazy amount of change in my life, still exists every time I see you. 140410 ... flowerock My heartmate and I were living in an old leaky, moldy RV that barely ran along side Golden Gate Park in San Francisco. We had neighbors who also lived in a little RV by the park, they had 3 big adorable dogs and were pretty kind people. We had a rose garden right outside when we were parked in the right spot. We found mold in everything, our stuff was a mess, we were drowning a little in the chaos. Now we're house sitting a beautiful cabin in the redwoods together, slowly slipping back into chaos and leaning towards San Francisco again. We are more confident and prepared this time though. We are happier and so in love and we have a little doggie now. It will be hard to find an apartment and work at the same time. They always want "proof of income that is twice the cost of rent" what income? HA! oh California. This time last year I was too worried and overwhelmed to enjoy a sunny day. Today I ran uphill until my chest hurt, breathing in the sweet forest air with my puppy in the sun shadows beneath the trees. I picked flowers to bring home to my boyfriend and let Goa(doggie) drink from the streams that trickle down these hills. 140411 ... past I had made a momentous decision and was wheeling my way through the early tremors of it. Today, I faced some of them again head on, as I will for a few more years at the least. Likely longer, but ultimately it may lead to more difficult and potentially disastrous ones down the line. This time last year, I was confined in a small heart and deadening mind, and now I flow freely but am confined nonetheless. To take the risk is to already be lost. But as I felt then the decision was a long time coming, how long until I reap what was sown? 140411 ... past last year the second room was a mess, i was fleeting between hope and fear and hope and anxiety and excitement. now that room is a mess all over again and it's just fear in my heart. and sadness. fuck. 140821 ... unhinged much like this time right now 140821 ... raze everything was different. 231229 what's it to you? who go blather from