spanish_blather raze WE JOIN A BOARDROOM MEETING IN PROGRESS. A GROUP OF DEPRAVED TELEVISION EXECUTIVES ARE PLOTTING THEIR NEXT MOVE. FRANCOIS FRANCINE: all right, people. you know why we're here. "who wants to remarry their third-last former spouse?" was a surprise summer hit, but they don't pay us to rest on our laurels. LAUREL #9: hey, i don't mind. i can handle the pressure. FRANCOIS FRANCINE: i know, laurel. i know. but you're a person, not a reclining chair. you should be treated as such. anyway. the floor is open for suggestions. DETACHED JAWBONE IV: what about a misogynistic sitcom in which a middle-aged granite football salesman is forced to move in with his thirty-six whacky siblings, and he gets in touch with his feelings, but it takes him seventeen seasons to arrive at some semblance of enlightenment, and along the way he sleeps with nineteen of those siblings and marries five of them? FRANCOIS FRANCINE: what are you thinking for a laugh track? DETACHED JAWBONE IV: nail guns. FRANCOIS FRANCINE: brilliant. cast? DETACHED JAWBONE IV: i think pauly shore is available. he could play the lead. VICTORIA SOLSTICE: pauly's *always* available. he hasn't been relevant since the macarena went out. and he won't do implied sex scenes. i know. i've asked. i've got a better idea. picture this: a talent show called "the echh factor". over-the-hill celebrity judges weigh in on the average person's ability to projectile vomit on demand. and everyone wears colourful paper hats! FRANCOIS FRANCINE: who've you got in mind for the simon cowell role? VICTORIA SOLSTICE: simon cowell. FRANCOIS FRANCINE: i just don't see it. what about you, hector? i know you've got something good for us. HECTOR IMPROBABLE: okay. you know that obscure website we're always exploring when we're supposed to be pretending to work? the really low-tech one where it's just words that link to other words? VICTORIA SOLSTICE: oh yeah! i love blather. i was up late last night re-reading old blathes from tilt and bijou. HECTOR IMPROBABLE: well, what if we dramatized the lives of the people who are still writing there? and what if we made it ... wait for it ... a SPANISH SOAP OPERA? you know what "blather" is in spanish? "decir tonterías". DETACHED JAWBONE IV: ooh. i like it. sounds soulful. HECTOR IMPROBABLE: or, if we want to just stick with red blather, we could call it "parloteo rojo". and think of the characters! we can include all the fan favourites. desquiciada. epítome de incomprensibilidad. sin razón. la kerry. and arrasar. we might even be able to work in some storylines involving señorita árbol and pájaro loco. VICTORIA SOLSTICE: won't these people sue us for using their likenesses without permission? FRANCOIS FRANCINE: not to worry. as soon as something's translated into spanish, no law can touch it. we made that discovery a few years back with "dulce valley alta", our all-muskrat spanish reboot of "sweet valley high". LAUREL #9: i'm ... uh ... i'm gonna be needing the blu-ray set for that. 210821 ... epitome of incomprehensibility I can't stop smiling when I look at this. I'm flattered the depraved TV execs would so condescend to adapt blather_red! Now the only question left is: muskrat or no muskrat? 210821 ... raze that IS the question! and then the follow-up question becomes: "which muskrats would we choose to play us in the all-muskrat spanish soap opera of our lives?" everyone keeps telling me johnny rat would be the obvious choice for me, but i'm not buying it. i say bring out the big guns. muskrat day-lewis or bust. 210822 ... unhinged i immediately thought of neruda 210822 what's it to you? who go blather from