the_curse_of_blond_and_blue peyton "She says go by, and hypnotize.. I'm walking on a wire.. I close my eyes, and fly out of my mind and into the fire.." - Shawn Colvin "Sunny Came Home" I used to know a girl. A pretty girl. She was blond. She had blue eyes and a beautiful figure. I had a crush on her, and I admitted it. She liked me too. She tried to manipulate me into a position to which she could use me, but I was too smart for that. In the end, she left because I couldn't have any of her games. She.. she was smart. Intelligent. She was witty and funny and could pick up on little things about people that are mostly overlooked. She would make very poignant statements like, "You have a sadness in your life that you can't cure, don't you?" and "I can tell that you're trying to be someone that you're really not, deep down." I can admit now, that she's gone, that I was really attracted to her. She tempted me. Kelly could have had anything she wanted, really. Due to her looks, people yielded very sacred things to her, because they admired her beauty. I saw through her facade. I asked her why.. why she would do this.. give herself to nearly everyone.. those who were guaranteed to hurt and use her. She gave me a blank expression, formed a tear in the corner of one of her blue eyes, and said, "I can't bear to be alone." ... She'd been taught religion. Her mother was zealous in the application of morality, and Kelly embraced those things, or so she told to anyone who would listen. But if you walked by her room late some evenings, the moaning from her room told otherwise. I'm not condemning her. I'm not judging her. I'm saying what she was doing was bad because it was hurting her. She said it was hurting her. She said it was destroying her. "It's tearing me apart to the point where I can hardly bear to open my door, because I know they will get what they want.." said she. She's pregnant now. She doesn't know whose it is. She doesn't even know if she can find the horde of men she'd been with in the past week to ASK who it was. Her life, is going to get harder. Much harder. And she's much more likely to be alone for an extended period, now. There was a time I thought I hated her. I thought.. since she tried to use me, that she was dark and evil, and all the things that.. made me so bitter. Perhaps she was. Perhaps she is. But I can't judge her for her actions. I do too much wrong for that. I feel sympathy for her. I wish I could have helped. I offered her a friend and a place to hang out whenever she wanted it, and I wouldn't ask for sex or pressure her to do anything. I offered her a meal with a buddy, and a friendly ear and a refuge. She never showed up. I hear about her exploits through work. Many guys I know have bragged about "banging" her, and.. it makes me even more sad. I saw her, for a moment, I saw the self that she wanted to be, but couldn't hold onto. Maybe it was weakness. Maybe it was a curse. Maybe it was poor circumstances. She's gone now. Sometimes I'll miss her. But she won't miss me. And she'll cry at night about the emptiness that she's filled with so many others. And she'll wonder what she's done, to bring this curse upon her. "And I don't know why.. I'm walking on a wire.." "Oh light the sky, and hold on tight, the world is burning down.." 020708 ... peyton i really put too much thought into stupid meaningless shit and people like this. 101208 ... jane i think that about my writing all the time. but you know what? at least it got you writing. there's some value in the stupid shit. always. 101210 what's it to you? who go blather from