sometimes_they_come_back raze there's a hub in the heart of the park where i used to see almost half the squirrels i've come to know by name. that was where newsom would be almost every day. it's where i would run into scarface and most of the_magnificent_six after they abandoned their original post. i don't see anyone around there anymore. it's been that way for a while now. it's starting to feel like no one ever lived there at all. i miss newsom the most. i still look for her. sometimes i'll hear some leaves rustling behind me and i'll turn around expecting to find her at my heels. i haven't seen her since the second week in april. on thursday, chatterbox was hanging out in the spot no one visits now. the black squirrel i met a week ago was with him. i thought it was red_tail at first. but the tail wasn't quite right. and this guy wasn't missing any fur. i called him rust. he took a long time figuring out where to bury what i threw him. the two of them raced each other across a pair of long, warped branches. grey veins winding through a desiccated bloodstream. today chatterbox was in the same place again. i got to feed him once before tali scared him away. he came back near the end of the walk. he ran right up to me. "you're getting brave," i said. "it's not like you to be so bold." then i noticed his tail. it wasn't thin and curly. it was thick and full. it wasn't chatterbox. it was newsom. she looked a little different. she was wearing her spring jacket. there was more brown in her grey. she was a little thinner. but it was her. no one else gets that close to me. no one else has a tail like hers. last year i tried to get her to take a peanut from my hand. she didn't back away. she just looked at me. i don't think she knew what i was trying to do. maybe i didn't either. today i tried again. i crouched down and held out my hand. i set a walnut like a stone in the center of my upturned palm. "i've got something for you," i said. she nibbled on the softest part of my middle finger. i felt the sharpness of her teeth. she could have cut me open. just like that. she made sure it didn't happen. the nut fell from my hand. she grabbed it and made it disappear. when she was finished eating, i said, "let's give it another shot." this time i held a walnut between my thumb and index finger. she hesitated. i held my breath. she closed her eyes. it looked like she was trying not to sneeze. we were both nervous. she took what i offered into her mouth. i let it go. "we did it," i said. "holy shit. we did it." we did it again. and again. she ate two of the nuts i gave her and buried the third. i got as low to the ground as my legs would let me. i tried to burn every inch and hue of her into my memory. "i didn't think i'd ever see you again," i said. when i was leaving, she ran through the grass, weaving a silver-brown thread through everything so i wouldn't lose sight of her no matter how far from each other we were. i didn't have words to tell her what that meant to me. she wouldn't have heard me even if i did. so i carried all the love i had for her in each step that took me closer to home, and i hoped she could feel it shake the ground beneath our feet. 220528 ... epitome of incomprehensibility This is so sweet! I'm glad newsom came back to the same place. The part where you said she could bite but didn't: Shiloh does a similar thing with his teeth (that is, when he's being careful) where he'll "bite" my finger but take care not to hurt it. 220529 ... raze i still can't believe it happened. it feels like i dreamed the whole thing. (and i knew shiloh was pure of heart!) 220530 what's it to you? who go blather from