prayer_with_no_words raze a long time ago, when everything seemed pretty pointless, i would end each night before i fell asleep with a kind of silent prayer, morphing my dominant hand into a makeshift gun. i would mime shooting myself through the right temple. and then i would smile, because that was what i wanted to do. i haven't done that in years. nor have i really wanted to, aside from the odd flicker here and there. but every once in a while, i think about the way i used to pray. i'm not really sure what i feel about it now. you do strange things when you can't see any light. 130317 ... unhinged (but sometimes you were my light when i got mysterious international packages in my mailbox) 130317 ... ever dumbening finding rocks which have stories; turning those rocks around and about in my hand as i walk. 130318 ... raze i love you, nic. 130318 ... lost how much is too much when enough is not enough 210409 ... tender square for your consideration. raze (verb) [1] to destroy to the ground: demolish [2] to scrape, cut, or shave off a homonym for raise (verb) [1] to cause or help to rise to a standing position [2] to awaken [3] to set upright by lifting or building [4] to get together for a purpose also a homonym for rays (noun) [1a] any of the lines of light that appear to radiate from a bright object [1b] a beam of radiant energy (such as light) of a small cross section and rays (verb) [1] to shine in or as if in rays [2] to extend like the radii of a circle: radiate 210901 ... raze you know, it's funny. i chose this name almost twenty years ago when i was in a pretty angry place and i wanted to run away from myself. i thought i knew what the word meant to me. then it came to mean something else. and then i reached a point where i wasn't sure what it meant or if it even fit me anymore, but i didn't know what else to call myself. it didn't help when someone told me i should change my name here because it might help my writing, which they characterized as "irrelevant pissing in a corner". now i think maybe instead of outgrowing the name i've grown into it as its warmer possibilities have revealed themselves. it feels different than it did when i fell into it. i don't know how much radiating or lifting up i've done here or elsewhere, but reading this right now feels pretty profound. makes me think maybe i am who i'm supposed to be. maybe it isn't an accident. 210901 ... unhinged wail my heart cracks never in this wretchedly depressed life has my heart felt so broken before my brain can even form words a deeply sad sound rips out of my throat if anything is out there listening i really need a hug 210901 ... tender square it may not be much, but i’m sending you a virtual hug. 210901 ... raze ((( me too ))) 210901 ... unhinged thanks i really need real hugs desperately but i will take whatever i can get 210901 ... kerry it's true that there's nothing like a real hug. i hope you find someone who is a really good hugger. not everyone is. hugs to you and your words, unhinged. 210901 ... unhinged even though sometimes i feel petulant when offered virtual hugs here, i do really appreciate the sentiments and i had dinner with a stellar hugger last night. he wrapped me up in his arms and thanked me for my company and i squeezed him tighter and thanked him for his hugs. he has an uncanny way of being just on time. we share meals and stories and hugs and today i feel human again. 210902 what's it to you? who go blather from