living_right Soma As a child of only 10, I am small. Lithe of limb and dark of hair and ever moving here to there. A blur in many places in order to be neither seen nor heard. In the shadow of my father's house, I am made smaller. In the flickering corners of the light divine, but a speck, surely. At Sunday school, I'm told g*d has named all our tears. I can't escape thinking what a horrible inconvenience this must be for God, every time I cry, to have to reorganize everything again. After all, on the 7th day the Divine rested, so surely she would want a break from me and my crying. And when I sit in the sermon hall, I try to stay still. The pastor's face is sweaty, and I can't help but notice how round he is. I hope God will forgive me for not listening. I hope that thinking the pastor is an ugly little sweaty man isn't too much of a sin. Eventually we file out, pew by pew, but mama stands around to talk. They're talking about potlucks and gatherings. I'm wondering about what the pastor says. I wonder if I'm living right, but pretty sure I'm living wrong. 250402 ... epitome of incomprehensibility Threads here tie into my own experience, however different the context. Like wondering if I'll be judged for drawing in church. Are markers for little kids? Pen on paper, then. Diary. Adolescent worries. Here are three: Worrying that I don't THINK right - is it a sin to be distractible? am I wrong to fear living forever if it's something I'm supposed to long for? and speaking of longing, is it wrong to be attracted to girls? Now, to answer my past self: 1) no, but it can be an "evil" in the antiquated sense of something blamelessly bad, like an earthquake - not THAT bad, but similarly shaky, similarly something to regulate 2) again, not wrong, but your fear of the infinite might be mixed in with low self-esteem (and, paradoxically, selfishness) 3) not wrong and, this time, it shouldn't be distressing either...except that you'll be a sad_romantic about different genders ... So now I'm firmer in my ethics but still too navel-gazey, which might stop me from actually DOING good things. I can't look at my belly button all the time. What's an anatomical expression for forward action? Walking. But how pedestrian. I've heard "elbows up" but I'm not sure what that means. I put my elbows up and it makes my arms look like the bones of chicken wings. And THAT'S no way to live. 250403 what's it to you? who go blather from