intoxicate_me leif I saw her today. No matter how much I expected it, I could not have prepared myself for the way that she intoxicated me. Especially now. That forgotten, yet perfectly familiar, smell knocked the feet out from under me. I cringed when no one was looking trying hard to hide my discomfort. I hate how drunk I feel in her presence. Incapable of morality. Incapable of letting go... This is a whole different kind of alcoholism, and I don't imagine there's any anonymous meetings out there to help me. 140829 ... unhinged . if i think hard enough, i remember his smell. clean, soap, no extra scent. even after playing soccer, i never noticed any other smell on him good or bad. just clean. he bathed a lot. for awhile, i bathed at his place and used his soap. his smell would come at me randomly during the day. back then it was a reason for me to smile. everyday, still, i find myself wishing for the enchantment to wear off. i focused on the negatives for awhile; that just made me angry. now i am willing to admit it all. the faults, the imperfections, the regrets, the reasons, the responsibilities. i was not myself. i was intoxicated by him at a time when i was especially vulnerable to being what i thought others wanted me to be. i couldnt be what he wanted me to be. but i'll be damned if i watch him love someone else. i am done with that kind of self_inflicted wound. 140830 ... nr you had/have an effect on me that i've never felt before. it's like i've been so intoxicated (this really is the best way to put it) being in your presence that i've needed to be extra careful; what i've (and you've) wanted in those moments hasn't necessarily been the "right" thing, but it's always been so consuming and magnified and hard to control. and despite my better judgment, i haven't wanted to. we haven't talked in awhile. i may run into you soon, and i don't know what to think about that. it makes me nervous. i'm hoping your behaviour of late will have stripped you of some of your ability to intoxicate_me. 140830 ... flowerock in a good way. it used to be overwhelming and make me heavy, over comtent and full of love and you. now it is a functional high that sticks with me and carries me further and brings smiles to my heart, if I relax with you the n the overwhelming feeling comes back, it's a good overwhelming. consuming, comforting, exciting. 140831 ... leif I was out to the theatre with the wife this evening, and lo and behold who was also there. An audience of people could have clearly read the anguish upon my face--except it resides in my heart. 140920 ... unhinged (the smells are fading but i am left with a lingering attraction to asian men with glasses) 140928 ... nr i didn't see you, but i finally heard from you, and there was an explanation i hadn't expected. it made up for some things, but there are still questions. at least not seeing you much lessens your ability to intoxicate me. maybe it's healthier for all involved. 140929 what's it to you? who go blather from