i_exhale_smiling fyn gula the first cloud arrived like an unwanted oak leaf upon the freshly cut lawn. and as fire consumes paper, the storm arrived. i watched, my head covered by the white sheet hanging on my neighbour's clothesline. umbrellas popped open, shields to stop the tears falling in this funeral procession, marching to the requiem of steady, pounding drops. i don't need any lessons on how to be sad. i've learned by watching. the breath of sorrow is taken in great gulps and i exhale smiling. 010515 ... recovering addict my broken heart can only smile at the thought of you. i find no need for the blade anymore. they say that it is coming to terms but i find my own dictionary empty. white pages of blank and old sentiment the time in between only a dream. 010516 ... continuous light let out the sigh of years of loneliness. i've become so good at smiling that sometimes i'm not even sure when it's meant and when it's just to stop the flow of questions. i'm fine, see. who smiles when their heart is breaking? who laughs when their soul is tread upon? the people who have learned to be alone, the people who welcome it with equal parts bitterness and relief. i wish for love and happiness just like everyone else... i just don't expect to attain it anymore. nothing lasts forever. 011222 ... pushpins I didn't mean to let you see me happy, I must've heightened your expectations. I found this riddling humor funny at the time and i let the happiness leak out. I am deflating because my body came with no patches in case the vinyl bleeds. The seal is worn and sleek... I am leaking, it is all pouring out. Who I want to be, how I want to feel. I need to save it, stop it, bring it back, because I'll be empty when its gone, and when I look inside...I will have no joy. It has all been expended. You pricked a hole in my clingwrap exterior and stole my limited supply of exuberance. I was saving it for something important. 011222 ... misstree works too much the waitress's song: run here, get this smile, laugh, just enough time for conversation, may earn me another quarter... ranch sauce for him, coke refill, bring the check, yes, ma'am i can get that cooked more for you... keep the smile on, grimace, remember, keep smiling... the last group is abandoning the skeletal remains of their meals. "have a great day, guys." drop the mask, let it shatter on the floor. light a cigarette. "man, that was a lot of tables." nod, feel the bulge in your apron, breathe in the silence of an empty restraunt, and exhale smiling. 011223 ... 0of46 Every time I think of you, I exhale smiling..... Now, if only I could be with you.... 020802 ... silentbob you're the most complimenting girl i've ever liked 020803 what's it to you? who go blather from