dad_again Sonya The expectations of me being absolutely perfect aren't ever going to come true. For this I am sorry...but there is nothing I can do about it. You can either accept me as I am or continue to berate and judge me, but one day I'm just going to tell you FUCK OFF only to regret it later. I'm sorry for this too. So many people want someone "perfect"..the perfect daughter, the perfect spouse...the perfect "one". There is no such thing... we are human goddamnit. I am flawed...and I don't see the things that some people see in me because my entire life he has never saw these things. Dad, I'm not ever going to have kids. You won't find this out until it all comes to blows...but the life I want to lead later down the line doesn't involve kids. I'm not sorry for this. the numb feline 050929 ... unhinged i'm sick of feeling like shit because of you. my mind knows that i don't deserve what i get from you, but after a lifetime of it my heart believes it. daddy's little girl crushed beneath the weight of expectation. i'm still secretly hoping that you'll kick me out. one kid has refused to speak to you for years, one kid moved five thousand miles away, and now you're about to push me over the edge too. there has to be a balance between a father that doesn't care at all and a father that forces his children to live out his expectations. my illness is only weakness to you. how am i supposed to get better when the person i spent my life looking up to and pleasing won't even support me? i feel like there are too many conditions on your love. conditions i don't want to live up to anymore. ..... i've been feeling very close to you lately sonya. 050929 ... Sonya have you unhinged? I don't know who you are.. I mean I read your words, but I don't know you... I'm having a tough time right now. Let's just say the men that have been passing through my life are mostly responsible..I say mostly because I am complicit in everything. the troubled feline 050929 ... unhinged well i guess i don't know you either, but just your words. and since i feel close to your words and they come from you, i feel close to you also. i've been having difficulties lately also because of a boy. but because of my past experience, i managed to keep the difficulty to a minimum by keeping him as far away from me as i could manage emotionally and physically. my heart rebels againt this but my mind knows it's the best way to deal with most people. it leads to a pretty lonely existence most of the time, but i have come to prefer the ache of an empty heart rather than a too full one. especially when it is too full with bile and anger and pain caused by someone else's uncaring. i realize the older i get the more i would be considered unhealthy in most circles. but this society breeds uncaring sickos. when i look around at all the uncompassion all around me it makes me sick to think how much worse it will have to get before it gets better. my sickness is the modern sickness i suppose. but anyways, i feel echoes of myself in your words and have for a couple months now; i think. 050930 what's it to you? who go blather from