shrink __ this world is shrinking. 030731 ... ellabelle shrink back farther and farther into a corner become lesser take up less space concentrated and condensed smaller simpler lesser and yet: noticeable in the way a burden 030811 ... Alvarny Whether from fear or instinct, it hurt when you shrinked away. 050621 ... APRicochetMVP maybe i should've seen one in years past 050621 ... ruby it's never too late 050622 ... APRicochetMVP probably would if i could afford it. the one thing that sucks about the college life is my lack of funds. 050622 ... e_o_i The psychologist that makes my paragraphs smaller in a dream 131127 ... kerry i have stress dreams--can't find shampoo, there's no water, i'm already late--and i get up too early, too much time to bite my nails, waiting and wondering. i thought i enjoyed being needed, consoling, listening, but today all i feel is dread empty, carved clean like a halloween pumpkin, little to offer besides space. i hope they don't ask too much of me. 220318 ... kerry we were talking about work. i said to carrie, "i keep having this thought that's so terrible, this question, 'what do you WANT from me?'" "mmm." "someone asks 'do couples ever get past this kind of thing?' and 'i'm doing the right thing by coming to therapy, right?' and i say yes, and yes. and what i'm thinking is, 'i really don't know.' i don't want to sit there and try to predict, and i'm not a judge, but some of these people, they come in wanting to know how many sessions this is going to take and what's wrong with me, and give me some tools and fix me." she made some comment about therapy being a heavy profession, emotionally. "it really is. i miss the teenagers--they're not totally formed yet. they haven't become the people walking into the office. i'm baffled by some people. honestly, it's easier for me to sit with some homeless woman who's pissing her pants and rambling some schizophrenic sob story, i have more patience for that, than some of the shit i'm hearing from people." she nearly smiled. not quite. "perhaps you should think less about them, and more about what they're bringing out in you. right now, i mean. you said 'what do you want from me' more than once. where does that come from?" she said it helps to remain curious, to learn how to hold yourself apart. she asked if it made sense to me and i said yes, not totally sure if i was following, but pretty sure. 220329 ... kerry i tell nearly everyone to journal. it is a panacea for just about any ailment, sometimes you don't know what you're feeling until you put pen to paper. i believe this myself, most of the time. but sometimes, like today when i am lying on the floor of my office with my legs up against the wall, feeling the blood drain from my feet, i understand the fear behind journaling. it starts to look like snake oil, or worse, an inevitable unraveling. if i put pen to paper who knows where it will go? i have a feeling. what i can dismiss in this moment will become magnified, impossible to ignore. right now i can swat it away like a gnat, but if i let the feelings become words, it will become a swarm, and i'll run from it. 220404 what's it to you? who go blather from