inappropriate
silentbob i am looking at pictures of you
and reminiscing
what it felt like
in the first month
of last year
when i could imagine
that you were mine. 		050829
...
unhinged i am not sure when
he first mentioned his wife

before
or after
he invaded my personal space
to gaze down into my eyes
his words about getting lost in my eyes
trailing off to
an abrupt awkward silence
maybe because
i did not back down
i did not save the conversation

and a strong thread
of something we couldn't acknowledge
tied my belly button to his



we ignored our thread
when he stopped by to say goodbye
on the afternoons he left early

we ignored our thread
when we found each other
on the canal path before work
(he couldn't see the smile
behind my mask
when he admitted after the first time
he began to look for me there
thought of the spot as mine)

but our coworkers saw it
the thread of attraction
to the point it even got mentioned
'you are chasing the wrong man
around this warehouse'
even though this other he
even younger
was also married
with a babe in diapers
but this one
i actively discouraged
pointing to my left ring finger
when i could feel his lust
pointed in my direction

i could curse and flirt
like a sailor
just like the rest of them
the tag line of many blatant and dirty comments
'excuse me sir, but that was inappropriate. HR. HR. i am going to report you.'
and most times i was the one
committing the reportable offenses
and i loudly proclaimed
my queerness
to disguise my own desire

because he has a wife at home


of all the lines crossed
i never mentioned
i say his name
when i make myself come
when i can't ignore
the thread
from his bellybutton to mine
after imagining his
lips and hands all over
my body
because


he has a wife at home 		211231
...
epitome of incomprehensibility This is powerful; something from your piece must have stuck in my head, because I used the same word in my journal, on a tangent from writing down a dream I had... 220104
...
e_o_i "But as for the inappropriate parts, they're really two separate things," I wrote.

It was about a student I had at the tutoring centre back in 2018. Brilliant ideas, but her essays came out messy at first; I helped her restructure them. Reminded me of myself a bit.

And her looks reminded me of Jocelyn, a poetry-group friend I had a huge crush on at the time. At least at one point, in one session, when I noticed her outfit and her dark, slightly messy hair (very Jocelyny, I thought).

But I was ashamed of thinking that about the college student, who was 19 or 20 to my 29...and I in a position of authority, at least a little.

Maybe that was what bothered me about the second thing, which was that I talked to her for too long after the last class about her plans. She'd mentioned up her dilemma about continuing at the Montreal university or going back to the States, but I continued talking for too long and she wanted to go. So when she saw that, I apologized and said bye.

That wasn't anything to be particularly ashamed about, except the idea that I was being too "familiar", too much like a friend, but more about the actual friend I (hopelessly) liked in "Jocelyn"... 		220104
...
e_o_i edits "mentioned up" should be just "mentioned" - though I could pretend I'm creating a new idiom :p 220104
...
e_o_i and "when she saw that" should be "when I saw that" (shakes head at tired self) 220104
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