angry
eatingstars i'm afraid and angry and i don't think i can ever get over it or ever forgive you for loving someone or needing someone so much so as to cause me this pain my for my entire life minus the first four years. i can't breathe normally when he is in the room and i have a mental freakout at the slightest touch of his hand. i am offended by his words, even the ones that anyone would say, just because they fall from his lips. i will never stay in the same house with this man for this long ever again.
what good he's done for me doesn't even matter. i know he loves me, but i don't love him, i could never love him, and i resent that i have to pretend that i do. i resent that he speaks ill of my real father, and gets angry when i stand up for him. i resent that he gets angry at EVERYTHING. i resent his existence. i resent that i have so much anger and no healthy way to get rid of it.
i hate that i was forced to hug that man and say 'i'm sorry' when i had not done anything wrong, just so he would quit being upset, sometimes so he would quit being upset at my mom. thank you mother, being humble is a perfect trait. i'd rather die than put my arms around him, but i just close my eyes and try to not let it last for very long.
i hate that i sleep in as late as possible and avoid appearing in the public portions of the house for fear of having to talk to him or do something for him, even now.
i'm in my twenties and i don't even live here, and i still want to hide. i hate that i feel like i'm 12 again.

if it hadn't been for the fucking snow, i could have avoided this for three more days.
i resent that i have to nod when i'm asked three times a day "aren't you glad you're here nice and cozy enjoying relaxing and painting and getting delicious home meals?"
in fact no. i'm not relaxed, i'm stressed. i would have been painting at my own house, and i could eat whenever i wanted and i wouldn't have to talk to that man.

and i hate that the tv is on in every room in the house. i fucking hate tv.

i miss my home.
081222
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arbitrary my boss makes me 081224
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cooper rasha i wanted to take a picture of myself with a sad facial expression and i took three and i had an angry facial expression in them. 130104
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no reason today, my brother and i had to orchestrate a business transaction of sorts. i initiated it, and we found the right person to talk to, and from that point, everyone assumed he was in charge.

he is a 6'4 white male.

it's not to say he's incapable of being in charge (he is completely capable), but it was pretty clear he was chosen because he's a guy.

this kind of thing is such bullshit, and i wish there was a possibility of some significant form of positive change.
150318
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