when_i_was_a_cloud raze she said look up look at the sky i think there's still some of me up there from when i was a cloud he said why did you never rain on me? she said i will give it time 151127 ... unhinged existential_airlines 151128 ... unhinged in some mahamudra teachings i've read they compare the essential mind, the natural state of mind before concepts, to a cloudless sky. looking for this state in my own mind is a good direction for me. that whole 'stop thinking' instruction for meditation is useless. telling me to stop thinking is like telling water not to be wet. and then i get mad and that anger is just a cloud obscuring the true nature of my mind i used to lay in my front yard and watch clouds float across the sky. i didn't really play with other children my age. books or clouds were better company to me. i would watch the wind twist the clouds into different shapes and try to make stories to match the shapes i saw. writing runs even deeper in my blood than the violin. rearranging reality has been a habit of mine for over 30 years. just as i narrated the story of the clouds above me, the wind would change the frame into a completely different story. other kids in the neighborhood made fun of me for talking to myself. then i learned how to write and my mom bought me journals. i look past my anger to the essential nature underneath. i throw things away now, let the story go faster. i refuse to make myself miserable over the same old shit. this is the year i am finally happy. everything else is just clouds in the sky. 160111 ... raze i was moving without changing shape impossible as breathing flattened cotton in the stable air 160112 what's it to you? who go blather from