unsure_of_my_steps megan ok so i'm a normal human being. i want to live comfortably, i don't want to be starving, i don't want to live in poverty. so i'm in college. and i didn't want to major in physical therapy like i originally intended because although i find science neat and interesting, i don't enjoy it. i enjoy writing. and expressing myself. and reading other people's writing. so i major in english. when everyone asks what i'm going to do, i say probably publishing, and then write a book, make a bunch of money, not have to work in publishing anymore, and just write whatever the hell i want after that. i say this jokingly, but inside, i'm only half joking. i don't want to worry the rest of my life the way i worry now. i want to be able to sit back relax and be a kid for once. not too many people my age seem to get it. i worry about not getting into classes now (way more than the average college student), i worry intensely about losing people (i make them the center of my world because relationships bring the words out in me), and i worry about my future and how the hell i'm going to make it. basically i worry about everything. in the back of my mind, i secretly wish it could be like our parents' generation or even the one before that, because i would be content to just settle down now, stop running around like a chicken with its head cut off and just be an adult. i really feel like i'm going to be a student all my life. and i don't really want to live in the middle of a big urban sprawl, lost in a maze of frowning faces and without those open spaces i so desperately crave even here in columbus, ohio. maybe i'm just going nuts. what am i doing? is this the pursuit of happiness, the unraveling of the american dream? all these unsure steps, all this worry and stress, the seeming weight of the world bearing down on you, and all of a sudden you pop out an adult on the other side... i should hope not. i should hope it wasn't founded on ideals of greed... but it was... and i am no different... i just want to get a job that i can have fun with. i want a job that will pay me well. i just want to get married and eventually have a family. and i want to retire and feel like i've done it. i've finally accomplished the thing i set out to accomplish in the first place. maybe that's what it is. i've lost sight of what i wanted to accomplish in the first place. it's all become dim to me, all the logistics getting in the way of the ideal. lord, can anyone help me i've gone off the deep end 051115 ... tilt i cannot help you. much you have said i have felt still i search for it. 051115 ... water lillies with the feet of giants, we walk on clouds. 120604 what's it to you? who go blather from