not_eating tilt i have no idea how much I weigh. I think i've lost weight. dammit all i want to do is smoke and sleep. stop smoking. i'm not eating. in the last three days i've eaten one sandwich. i feel thin. and tired. i can't deal with this. i'm not coping very well. i think we overestimated my ability to handle this. i ache. i'm dirty. i woke up at 4pm today. it's now 6 and i've not actually got dressed. or even out of bed. my mouth is sticky and my breath is foul. if i could smoke i'd get dressed to smoke. but i want to give up. maybe now isn't a good time. everything just takes far too much effort. i want to eat. well no, i need... no, i think i should eat. i don't actually want to. i'm indifferent. anyway, for the sake of argument, let's pretend i want to eat. but that involves going to the kitchen, which means i'm going to have to brush my hair and get some clothes on and clean my teeth. possibly i'll have to talk to someone. well fuck that. i should be working. the sooner i finish my work the sooner i can leave. but i just don't want to face anything. i just want to crawl inside my bed and starve to death. no that's not true. i'm in the sort of mood where i could starve to death and not even really notice. disassociated. i feel like shit. i want to smoke. i'm a puppet with no master. just want someone to take control. i'm lying in a crumpled heap in the corner of a darkened room, discarded. a thin layer of sweat lies all over my body. my hair droops over my face. my body aches. i'm in constant pain. my ribs and hips stick out. my shoulders are taking all the weight as i lie here typing into oblivion. my back fcking hurts too. at night i can feel my heart pounding against my ribcage. i can hear my lungs crackle as i breath. i lie in pain. i'm so fucking broken. my skin peels dryly from my face. i cough up phlegm which is so thick it nearly makes me sick. i want to smoke. i'm so fucking empty. 060326 ... tilt feels better, but that might just be a distraction. 060501 ... nom not healthy 070101 ... nom not eating doesn't help 070124 ... flux "please refrain from eating on the emotional roller coaster" 070125 ... nom i didn't really eat yesterday i haven't eaten today i'm not sure where my appetite is i think i'll go get some pot but i don't really want to leave the house or bed cause it's cold and i could probably lose some weight 081016 what's it to you? who go blather from