in_spite_of_all_that_weve_become Anna_Began This makes me so sad inside. Every conversation deteriorates into fighting and maybe I am the one that needs to cut the string. Every man in my life would be better off if I moved to Milwaukee. (At least I hope everyone of them...) I don't even feel like this is the appropriate place to get this out because I feel like I want to put pen to paper like I do for him only for you it'd be goodbye. I have made up my mind. And everytime I hear your voice I make it up again. And when you hang up, hating me, or trying to convince yourself you don't feel anything that passionate for me, it makes me want to cry. A long time ago, the tears were for me and my confusion. Now, the tears are for you. Because I do love you. I didn't mean to hurt you. I see it in our winter; how I wrapped up your heart and promised I'd take care of it and then you came home and I was already gone. You will always be something to me but I can't be it for you. This, right now, this very second, is the first time I've ever cried in relation to you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 030629 ... Anna_Began My first thought was to write about how I will never understand you. The thing is, I understand completely. Our relationship is a chain link of white laurels; of peace offerings and intrinsic notions about how our universe should lay in place. If I am able to tell you about my new decisions, I want it to be there. That place will give me the courage to stand behind my desires and ease the guilt of walking away from what I swore would always be truth written in one unwavering version in stone. I might be the addiction here, but I think it's probably just the game, as usual. And that, that's healthy. 030820 ... unhinged good and bad we are both walking away from it and somehow that doesn't really surprise me 030821 ... Anna_Began Undefinable... an old friend? Not so old.. and you never come over to visit. I'm fairly sure I don't want you to. Not true maybe. I could handle it. You couldn't. He couldn't. She couldn't. So I feel like I shouldn't be able to handle it. Alaska huh? This is ridiculous. My only question is, do these women really exist? I always assumed they did because there was always a variety of them mentioned when we spoke on the regular basis. I'd love to delude myself into thinking that you could possibly love anyone, me, enough to be happy for my happiness. Then again, I'm pretty self-absorbed and wouldn't be able to muster this, so I assume you just sit back when we're not talking and think "Yeah... I'll wait another one out and she'll come crawling back." I don't have to tell you this, but it isn't the same this time. And yet, part of me wants you to break down my door and scream, "I'm not letting you get away twice!" And I'd cry and scream and hurt for you but say "It's already happened." You said: "Sometimes it's better to keep the love of your life as a friend." And I think you got it right this time. I think you fit in somewhere but I don't care where anymore. Not bad. Just indifferent. I don't want you hurting me. I don't want you lying to me and I know you do mostly when we talk. I don't want you the way you were a year ago this time. I don't want you how you were in April. I just don't want you anymore. 030831 what's it to you? who go blather from