10_things_music_videos_have_taught_me raze 1. in a post-apocalyptic world, survivors will somehow still manage to track down hairdressers, hair products, makeup, and designer clothes. just because almost everyone else is dead, it doesn't mean you shouldn't look your best. 2. all men and women wake up looking like they somehow groomed themselves in the middle of the night while sleepwalking, complete with immaculate hair and not a single blemish or bloodshot eye. 3. choreographed dancing happens in public places and on city streets all the time. not to worry; no dancer ever gets hit by a car. in fact, no dancer ever suffers any injury at all, no matter how or where they're dancing. it's like murphy's law in reverse. 4. it's okay to treat your significant other like trash, and you should go ahead and cheat on them if you feel like it, because true love conquers all and the one you claim to care for will almost always come back to you in the end, as long as you buy them flowers or sing them a song or something. also, misogyny is cool. 5. kissing britney spears will either kill you or make you bulletproof. either way, you're taking your life in your hands. 6. nothing spells "serious" and "artistic" like a single unbroken take of a singer lip-syncing. bonus points if they start to cry at some point. extra bonus points if they end the video by wiping away the tear(s) with their fingers while staring into the camera looking sad. it doesn't matter how many times this has been done already; doing it again will totally make you a groundbreaking artist. totally. 7. miley cyrus likes licking jackhammers and riding naked on wrecking balls. this is controversial (and not just plain stupid), because the internet tells us so. 8. when attempting to create the illusion that you're actually performing the song in your video, it isn't necessary to pay attention to detail, because the half-baked subplot cutting in and out will distract the viewer from glaring inconsistencies like electric guitars not being plugged in, no amplifiers being present, a double-tracked lead vocal somehow being sung by a single person, a human string section miming to a clearly synthesizer-generated string sound, and not nearly enough musicians or instruments being present on the screen to account for how layered the music is. 9. walking next to a convertible with the top down, dressed for summer while it's the dead of winter, is a completely normal, advisable thing to do. 10. when all else fails, take off your clothes and/or make out with a model. 131003 ... raze (meant to type "sledgehammers", not "jackhammers", for #7. getting my hammers confused again.) 131003 ... raze 10.2 killing your brother in a bar fight over nothing is okay; ride a bull in prison and all will be forgiven. 10.3 mental illness is one big dance party, and a mental hospital is just a zany place you hang out at for a little while until you decide you want to leave. 10.4 when stranded alone in a hostile jungle, survival skills increase in direct proportion to the amount of cleavage shown. 10.5 for some reason, every woman in the world wants to sleep with every rapper in the world. on a beach, in a car, on a boat, in a bar, in a dirty bathroom sink, after way too much to drink...it really doesn't matter. rappers are the sex, and no amount of casual misogyny on their part will ever change that. 131212 ... raze 10.6 you can suffer a bruise to the right side of your face, and then have it relocate to the left side of your face, and no one will notice. 150313 what's it to you? who go blather from