weight
anomalous i actually weighed myself yesterdayish
and i was surprised
because i thought i was about 25 lbs heavier than i am
and i don't think the scale is just lying

i guess i'm not really that much overweight, just a little too much for my liking

i don't want to be skinny skinny skinny

i just want to feel comfortable with myself, i want to feel fit

and being sick, sitting around, just makes me feel bad,...i wish i could be well and exercise like i want to

i guess i have a tiny bit of an eating disorder,...but i'm not anorexic in the nervosa sense, i've never been that skinny or obsessed,...though i am obviously somewhat obsessed with myself


there was a time i would weigh myself too frequently, and keep a written record of everything i ate, how much of anything was in everything, etc.

but i stopped doing that a long time ago


i still have a bit of a hard time eating in front of others but i've gotten over that as well, to some extent


i'm trying to eat more, but i'm trying not to eat too much


i guess the good thing is that i'm not losing tons of weight,...because that would be 'a bad sign'

i should just be thankful that i have food, and legs and arms and all the rest
050428
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bijou your body's job is to stay the same. homeostasis. thousands of years of evolution tell your brain that when there is food available, you better freakin eat as much as you can because there's probably not going to be any tomorrow. now put that in the context of an american lifestyle, and you have a whole new onslaught of problems. there is ALWAYS going to be enough food for you to eat. even if you are poor, you are going to be able to eat if you want to (as opposed to if you were a crackhead and you didn't want to eat). we have conflicting information: our well evolved genes telling us to eat while we can, and our progressive culture telling us not to eat, what not to eat, when not to eat. we have gyms and personal trainers available to us to help us use up all the extra energy we consume. which is really insane, if you think about it. working so hard to use up all the energy we place so much value around consuming. wouldn't it be nice to only take in what you needed to fuel the activity you natually do?

i say again, your body's job is to stay the same. that's why losing weight feels so unnatural, why dieting is so hard. you are going against thousands even millions of years of evolution, from the first creature duplicating its cells in the ocean, the mission is "eat".

i wonder if the human race will be around long enough for us to evolve something that tells us to stop. something that says if you can't mainain a healthy weight, you are going to have heart disease and diabetes and cancer. but then i guess we would need to have something in our chemistry to rid us of depression and addiction? i don't think we have enough time left in this ticking bomb to grow much more. i think we already peaked.
050430
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lotuseater who's gonna take the weight?

backpacker`
050430
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anomalous so according to some online weight guide calculator thingies, i'm not exactly overweight, just slightly above what i want to be 050504
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nom i'm trying not to hate myself 070305
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Ouroboros can't even control my 121107
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