doubt
bespeckled She thinks of him with fond thoughts,
recalling the touch of his fingertips and the brush of his lips against her skin.

If only she could shake the shadow of doubt from her thoughts - that creeping invader which overtakes her fond recollections. It is that monster of misconstrued meaning that grabs her by the wrist and pulls her away from his embrace.

She waits for the time that she is near him,
for only when she is with him,
touching him,
beside him,
does the threat disappear from her mind.
021127
...
skinny today i was thinking that it was possible noone really cared.

and then i realized

it was absolutely true.
050309
...
nom i doubt that i doubt 070327
...
jane doubt -
this itchy thing.

not painful, no - but spreading
its spider seeds
across my cerebrum.

like the stories of boiled frogs, it happens slowly
(speedy means readiness,
alertness, attention)
so indetectable,
until at once,
there it is.

no exterminator available, i am left
with doubting thoughts and cracking eggs
of lamentation,

frying, bubbles up,
like red wrinkled unnamed tumors of anti-ecstasy.
090921
...
gja paranoia big destroyer 111013
...
auburn I am just doubting everything.

All of my feelings seem so insecure. I don't feel equipped to take care of myself.
111015
...
amy adaptability i doubt my brain. Ergo I doubt myself. And it's enforced, mostly by the way everyone but my parents treats me. Since parents are supposed to be like that, solipsistically speaking, I doubt my living and will wonder occassionally in which incident of my memories I actually died.

So the simplest explanation for that is that I'm crazy... but personally unloved comes in a close second. My primary survival problem is being crazy though. Most therapists, in my experience, are for getting you back to "normal". I need a relatable one, surely they would be for the upper classes by now. So until then I'll take the idea gravy train of artists, writers and humanists. It's a battle to get access sometimes, though. And that's about the mind and the time I still allow for ambition (which sucks up attention)

Also the too-embarrassed-and-ashamed-to-go-outside is starting to be a not-so-dangerous side effect of too many inactive and unactivatible defunct and potential relationships. My self confidence was badly harmed in my last job which I quit a year ago in June. I don't know if I'll ever make it back to the world of jobs.... in some respects "oh well" but it does make for undateablility. "Oh well" i won't be normal. Sorry not sorry, but sorry.
170723
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from