train_whistle cr0wl maybe what he wanted wasn't attainable. that fleeting sense of individuality. the awareness that we pass through one another. that we are on our way to somewhere else. he wanted to behold love in every one of its forms. and when illusion is revealed, when toto pulls away the curtain, he will find it was always his own desire. 081114 ... raze i've figured you out. long long short long. you're the rule of 14L. in morse code: ttet. which either makes you the largest soybean processing company in taiwan, camping out more than six thousand nautical miles from home, or a mindless demon in love with the voiceless alveolar plosive. you're music without motion. an eternal b7 chord. even on a piano, you sound too eager to be heard when you have nothing of substance to say. 211210 ... unhinged the rural county we moved to when i was in high school became a 21st century hotbed of depression drug abuse and related death i literally lived on the wrong side of the tracks there when my brain refused to let me sleep at night like a normal person i could hear the plaintive whistle of the train most nights around the same time, something like 2 or 3am. it became a secondary clock of sorts. marking the half way point of the darkness. highlighting my loner solitary insomnia also punctuated by a chorus of crickets in the summer. 211210 ... raze at least you take (most) holidays off. that's something. but there you were again this morning, shouting out your emptiness, daring me to choke on it. i spat it back in your face. i hope you like the way it tastes. 211231 ... raze i swear you woke me up at 2:30 in the morning. it couldn't have been you, but it seemed so real, even though i could see myself in the third person, and i was lying on my back (i can never fall asleep on my back), and i had shorter hair and no beard, and there was more light in the room than there should have been. the things that should tell me i'm dreaming never tip me off. that level of awareness only kicks in when i don't want to wake up. how many times have i mistaken some mundane piece of a dream for my waking_life only to do a mental double take at some point later on in the day when i have to tell myself, no, that didn't really happen? you should know this: my dreams don't make your voice sound any sweeter than it does when i'm awake. 220110 ... raze you don't even take weekends off anymore. i long for a day when one of us has been dead long enough to forget you were ever given the gift of speech. 230128 ... raze how i long for the days when i could take a shit in peace. 230207 ... raze (i guess i've been doing a lot of longing lately.) 230207 ... raze every morning. every afternoon. every night. it never ends. it never ends. it never ends. it never ends. it never ends. it never ends. it never ends. it never ends. aghduogwehiyfgweriyfcgah. adgugedkegdkg. efouhguksdfghksedgh. adhguwghde. adhguoadkhwakdhg. 230321 ... raze i fucking hate you. 230830 what's it to you? who go blather from