the_rules tender_square 1. wear a hoodie or pants with deep pockets in the house so you always have your cell phone on hand, can always open your apps quickly to see if your love has messaged. 2. never chat in an open space on the main floor because he could walk in at a moment’s notice and ask who you’re talking to and your guilty scramble would give you away. 3. find or invent tasks to attend to in the basement and in the upstairs so you can message your love freely and have enough time to hear if he’s approaching and hide what you’re doing. 4. keep tissues stashed in your desk and in your pocket to wipe your eyes when grief surprises you. if he notices your puffy eyes or hears your sniffles from elsewhere in the house, claim your allergies are acting up. 5. pack your schedule with responsibilities. build a wall between you and him to match the scale of your disappointment. 6. try to create pockets of time where it appears that you’re “available,” that way he will not accuse you of being distant, thereby prompting a lengthy discussion about how he wishes things were as they used to, when he was your whole life. 7. hang a pair of underwear from your pocket to hide your cell phone before taking a bath, that way he doesn’t ask why you need to bring your phone in the bathroom with you. 8. kiss and greet him breezily between your transition of tasks to make it appear that you’re light and airy as can be. 9. concoct various stomach upsets so you have a reason to spend longer in the bathroom, the only closed door in your entire house. 10. always clear your internet browser of any trace of red, any trace of chats daily. password protect a document that contains links you use regularly on the site. collect your writing into folders that require many drill downs to find. 11. lock your computer when you’re stepping away, even if it’s for only a moment. if he asks about it, say that it’s a work habit you’ve inadvertently carried home with you. 12. turn notifications off on your cell phone so he can’t see messages from friends, family, or your love before you do, especially when those messages could be about him. 13. never call your love lest he check your cell phone records on the phone he pays for. 14. when sending mail to your love, pay for postage with your personal credit card so your joint debit with him will not leave a trail, and so that the package will not be returned to your home address with insufficient postage. 15. reroute all emails from your secret friends and from your love to skip your inbox, that way if he got snoopy there would be an added layer of protection. 16. don’t tell him about your solo morning walks because he’ll pepper you with questions about what’s wrong. it doesn’t matter if you provide him with relatively true answers regarding other heartaches, he will keep digging because he’s sure it about him, about the state of the two of you. 17. be wary of listening to music on your noise-cancelling headphones as you write, just in case he sneaks up behind you in your office as he has done once before. 18. practice your protection rituals daily; close your chakras, burn sage, bathe with pink salt, pray to archangel michael to keep your underground life protected for as long as it needs to be. 19. hide your journal every day. keep your previous journals that say all your cannot packed away and hidden in a place he would not venture. 20. limit the amount of time spent with friends, choose your outings carefully, that way he will not accuse you of distance, of prioritizing other people over him. 220522 ... tender_square 21. always stifle the laughter that arises so naturally and joyfully in response to your love's jokes that way he doesn't ask after what's so funny. 220523 ... tender_square "but these rules are self-imposed," her therapist said. "and it's coming at a great cost to you." 220525 what's it to you? who go blather from