regressing nr who even knows which way is forward? 230228 ... nr sarah and james were standing together by the bar. sarah was feeling a little off, maybe because she could never find anyone to accompany her to these shows, so everyone there were people she only kind of knew who were all part of a scene she wasn't really in. she was only there because of james and his band. the band's keyboard player, dan, walked up to james, not noticing sarah at first. sarah waved, and then dan clocked her and said it was nice to see her and reached in for a hug. sarah's left elbow knocked over her beer on the bar when she went to hug him back. she tried to play it cool and wiped up the spilled beer, dan muttered "sorry" and then turned to chat with others. "you spilled your beer with one elbow and bumped my beer with your other one," james teased. sarah half-smiled, embarrassed. she wondered why these awkward moments still took over sometimes. she had been alive for over three decades and been to lots of therapy. in what moments did they occur, and with which people? she has a bit of a crush on dan, but she barely knows him. she thinks it might be because he reminds her of someone. she won't act on that crush, but she craves his approval. she wonders what would happen, say in an alternate universe, if they were both single. she doubts she'd have a chance. she's also not sure she'd want one, but that doesn't seem to matter much in the moment. 250531 ... nr i felt left_out because seemingly everyone else was invited and i wasn't. there was no clear reason why i wouldn't be, either; i'd been invite to the other previous events. 260316 ... nr inviteD, that is. yes. 260316 ... nr more evolved me: i made conversation. i talked to people i hadn't talked to back in the day. i was curious and asked questions. a small amount talked to me first. less evolved me: i still felt like an outsider, on the sidelines, unnoticed, unimportant. when i was involved, i found ways to eventually remove myself so i wouldn't be rejected first. why would anyone want to be stuck here when so many other, better options were available? more evolved me: people gravitate to what is familiar to them, even 25 years later. people have their own shit going on. people are nervous and awkward. less evolved me: i said hi [name], and he said hi kind of quickly and awkwardly before going back to others. we didn't got into a conversation for the rest of the night. looking at all of the pictures people took, i realized i barely took any and am barely in any. same as the yearbook 25 years ago. i wish people listened as much as they talked. i wish they were more curious. i wish i didn't feel like if i didn't say anything, no one would notice. more evolved me:i had a little jam session in the music room with people who are my current friends, and their families. it was fun and they are current friends for a reason. reflective me, blathering on and on: i wish it was more possible to reinvent yourself. 260615 ... nr *we didn't GET. 260615 what's it to you? who go blather from