old_memories auburn I feel like I chase them now. To try and remember a part of myself that I suppressed because I was led to believe I had to. I've been obsessing over words of red and blue to piece together the bits of my life that I've forgotten. It really is like that cliche ocean that's so often described. Sometimes, I sink and sink only to discover that there is no bottom. And during those times, I watch as my last air bubbles travel upwards--to where I can only imagine is dark, grey, and stormy. Sometimes, I find peace in the sinking. And in those lightless times, I find the strange comfort that I used to find in tears, sadness, and the dark. Sometimes I fight hard to reach the surface--praying that the first breath I take isn't a lung full of water. Sometimes, when I'm finally done sinking, I realize that I wasn't sinking at all, but on a floating pathway upwards. Sometimes I reach the surface smiling. And the tears I cry aren't tears but little bits of ocean that were meant to be there all along. Sometimes I find pieces that I'm comfortable becoming part of again. And that's where I am. Floating here, right now, in my blather ocean. Not feeling lost today. 080819 ... past . 080820 ... belly fire I sat up all night thinking of them. Specifically those years that I felt a little lost amid the early 20's. Oh, I was this and I was that, and I had my admirers. But mostly I was alone, and terribly monochromatic. I rack my brain over how I may have met my muse, dearest Boy, but he brought me back to life after a desperate loneliness. Wouldn't it be nice to tell him that and it not be awkward? I mused over that...how those late night chats helped me discover myself again, and move into this life. 080820 ... unhinged flooded me when she texted me about him and what he's up to now. i guess time does slowly s-l-o-w-l-y erase some of the bad parts. the bitter hag in me was upset that his life still didn't suck without me. i'm over that now though; pretty much just glad he's on a better path these days. 080821 ... auburn I want you to know that you're not just old memories. I think of you often, and with happiness. My next 11:11 will contain thoughts of you, and wishes of your happiness. 081209 what's it to you? who go blather from