nothing_and_everything kerry nothing happens and nothing happens and then everything happens. at the show they checked our vax cards and IDs, squinted into our faces, checked our pockets. i didn’t catch the name of the opener; we were late anyway. between sets we crept through the crowd, slipping between bodies, people of all ages, a year-long wait to be here. john dwyer closed his eyes and put his lips to the microphone. a single breath had the power of a volcanic eruption—we were blasted backwards by an immediate mosh pit. i’d never seen a pit form so fast. alex grabbed my arm. it was like watching all this waiting and loneliness and expectation being replaced by relief, euphoria. hundreds of us in harmony. hardly any new songs, mostly old favorites, as if to comfort the crowd. afterwards, spat back into the night, alex and i were both in a daze. shit, he said, he can still tear it up. and he looks the same, except for the guy fawkes mustache. do you remember when we saw them at the earl, i said, how they played right on the floor with the drummer in front? i nearly said, wasn’t that the show where you showed up on ketamine, do you remember that? i was sitting at the bar with jack, you tapped me on the shoulder. you had this funny smile on your face. you were wearing that black jacket, the one you lost later. nearly said, that was the beginning of what turned out to be a rough time, and i still regret some things i should have done but didn’t. but he already knew that. was i, he said, as if he didn’t remember. what did i say? oh i don’t even know. i think you just told me and i said have fun and that was it. (i didn’t tell you how happy i was to see you, not the way i wanted to) (i was always happy to see you but i couldn’t look at you the way i wanted to) (i’d wanted to kiss you, not because you were high but because you were there) (even when you weren’t next to me i was somehow aware of your presence, knew where you were) we were so young, he said. 210927 what's it to you? who go blather from