newsom_was_here raze i think you knew. i think on some level i did too. i just didn't want to admit it. on thursday i had this awful feeling you were leaving. you looked at me like you knew it would be the last time. i had my camera with me. i didn't take any pictures. i regret that now. i told myself you were having a rough day. i didn't want to make it worse by hanging around if you wanted to be alone. some buried part of me that picks up the whispers of passing ghosts understood. you were saying goodbye. i wish i could have that afternoon back. i wish i'd stayed with you for as long as you were willing to let me. i could feel it coming. the closer it got to our two-year anniversary of having met, the more worried i was. i tried to push that away. i told myself you'd always be here. but my mind knew what my heart didn't want to reckon with. i was sure it was you even before i crept close enough to see your face. you weren't far from where i saw you last. your fall coat was just coming in. you had gold in your haunches. you were still so beautiful. you didn't look like you suffered. you looked ready. i held you. the way i was never brave enough to try when you were breathing. you were soft. i think you did everything you could to hold on long enough to see me again. you just didn't make it. now you're in the place i stand to feed the ones who live on either side of my tree. so you'll always be with me. there was exactly enough malleable earth to hold you. no more. no less. the moment you were buried, three blue jays took flight above my head, silent but for the beating of their wings. i'm grateful for the last four months i had with you. i didn't think i'd get to see you again after spring took you away from me. i'm grateful for the trust you gave me. you took food from my fingers one hundred and sixty-five times. you made my life better just by being in it. i hope you knew how much i loved you. i'll never stop listening for the soft music of your footsteps behind me. 221008 what's it to you? who go blather from