how_it_used_to_be kerry i fell down a blather wormhole i used to treat this as my diary, and i took up a lot of space, and i feel like now i don’t take up much space at all. and i was struck by how many things i used to feel and how many people were around me, and now i don’t feel as many things–mostly confusion and rage, and then a watery kind of blandness–and i don’t take up nearly as much space. when i was telling her how difficult it’s been and how inept i’ve felt she asked me, “did you tell them you had a brain injury?” which kind of stung, though it’s true. it felt like, did you tell them you’re damaged? did you tell them you’ve got an excuse to be a little slow and a little weak? i can’t decide if i want an excuse or not. i can’t tell if i’m slow or weak–i have trouble measuring time, always over or underestimating, and weakness is so subjective. my heart beat louder my mind shined brighter and i looked at things more closely and made more connections, connections with other people and connections within myself i obsessed over things and people and was able to put it into words and now it’s like i’m in a tornado and i have to remind myself to live more in the present and not pay so much attention to the past now i sit in a sea-green room at a drafting table and wonder why it used to be so easy and then i remember and i feel defeated 220507 ... raze i wish i had something to say that would make everything better somehow. all i can tell you is i think you're navigating and documenting what you're going through with remarkable honesty and grace, and the world is a far better place for having you in it. 220507 ... epitome of incomprehensibility "i can’t decide if i want an excuse or not. i can’t tell if i’m slow or weak–i have trouble measuring time, always over or underestimating, and weakness is so subjective." This is really well put, and not just because I relate to it - but I do. My "case" is different, but there's this internal struggle about saying "I have ADHD, so I might have problems with time organization," because it can feel like "just" an excuse. Or if I treat it like a fact instead, then I might get discouraged about why I'm not better at stuff. Anyway. It sucks that people said things that made you feel bad. And sometimes it's hard not to think they're doing it on purpose - see e.g. "condescending". It's hard not to worry about stuff like that. But you seem strong to me, in a good way. I second raze's comment! 220507 ... tender_square as a 'skite who is still very new to red (less than one year blathing) who has read *some* of your past work but every new piece you've posted since summer of 2021, let me say this: the beauty and boldness of your writing, to capture the emotions and tribulations that most would prefer to ignore, let alone to dig into with such layers of complexity and mercy, takes up ENORMOUS space here. kerry, you haven't lost your ability to look closer at things and make connections by one bit-—your heart is there in all that you share. i devour your blathes. in fact, you inspire me to dig deeper and to write about things i would otherwise overlook. 220508 ... kerry sheesh, y’all. e_o_i, i’m glad this resonates with you. that’s always a good feeling. all of you—i was just kind of writing to myself, or writing into the void i guess, and i really appreciate the (unexpected) comforting. that’s what it feels like, like comfort and warmth. so, yeah. thank you, so much, times a hundred. 220508 what's it to you? who go blather from