incremental tender_square he fired his therapist. “he seemed bored and disinterested in our last session, and this isn’t the first time.” he wrote him an email saying he was making a change, that he appreciated his analyst being there as he processed his mother’s death, his brother’s unraveling. “you’re right,” his analyst wrote in response. “we should have been focusing on creativity and anxiety but those are difficult issues to tackle when we’re not meeting his person.” his analyst lives in switzerland. he switched to online therapy after we moved out of michigan; then covid happened. he’s decided to take a break for the rest of the year. “i’ve been in therapy for a decade, with five different analysts." each one prompted by his move to a different state. "i don’t like that i’ve been shunting my dreams to them, i think i need to figure them out on my own for a while.” 211105 ... tender_square “when i first started writing, there was this space, i wasn’t weighed down with all that i feel now.” he’s shedding the non-essential layers day by day. he’s not allowing himself to get as riled up as he once did about what he cannot control. the booster shot planned for sunday is generating fantasy and possibility again. “i wish i could get back to that place.” “you’re going to have to create that for yourself now.” i described the circle technique, envisioning a permeable bubble around himself while writing at his desk. i suggested the mantra “i don’t want to see; i don’t want to feel; i don’t want to know,” to release the hooks on the energy that’s been dragging him along for some time. “i know,” he admitted. “i’m stuck.” 211105 ... tender_square on tv, joseph campbell argued for the necessity of sacred space. that each of us, each day, needs an hour where we are unplugged from the news and the world and our worries and we sit with self to locate where we are. when the program finished, he turned to me in bed and said, “for all this time i’ve been in the house i've realized i haven’t had much self-reflection; i’d forgotten how.” 211106 ... unhinged when i was finally broken enough to begin my spiritual journey i wanted it to be a fantastic revolution instantaneous electric upending but over a decade into it it is clearly more gradual than my impatient self wanted more than just the impatience of youth more like an existential impatience driven by the stars in this life i have been lucky enough to find the diamond vehicle stumbled across in a bookshop as a teenager drawn to the cover inexplicably beautiful (this was not an accident) i feel strong enough to wake up keep going forward because i AM the shining light as well as the gaping darkness my mind kept trying to hide lie convince but the diamond vehicle has carried me to the place where my heart truth is not dirtied by the narratives of my depressive mind that even my depressive mind is wise ('depression isn't a problem to be fixed it's a signal that something is wrong') gentle gentle gentle time will tell 211106 what's it to you? who go blather from