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epitome of incomprehensibility
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Had me crying in the bathroom at break. Not because anything terrible happened, but because it all seemed overwhelming.
The leader is awesome, but what was a calming location at yesterday's Shut_Up_and_Write became imbued with stress. I pressed toilet paper to my eyes and told myself to stop. Told myself: you have peed. You no longer need to pee. Why are you staying in here to release non-pee fluids?
There were two stalls, so I wasn't a huge stall to the flow of bathroom-goers, and in five minutes I was out again, a little red-eyed but calmer.
It's just...I hate ADHD. I know I should be calmer and work around it, work with it, be thankful for the good sides, etc., but it's just so fucking aggravating sometimes. WHY do new things take so long for me and cause so much anxiety? WHY can't my mind organize itself better??
...
And then there's shyness. Worse for my brother with his Gaelic. What handicapped me a little in learning German is a bar to even starting his Gaelic re-learning. Fear of new things, that's part of it.
Y.'s Gaelic stuff is unrelated to my grant stuff, except that another reason I want money because I said I'd pay for his tutoring. Dad is paying ME to help Y. apply for things, but Y.'s anxiety about it causes me secondhand_stress, and maybe an unrelated-to-us career counselor or psych counselor would be better, but...money. I'm here now and I'll do what I can.
...
Anyway, even if I can't finish a grant application by the last workshop meeting next week (I'm still working on my "artist CV," which is what the artist_bio was for), I can at least start. Project description. Do a new thing. GO.
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