only_tuesday you told me that you hoped that i wasn't running away from all my problems. you said that i would just find the same ones in a new place. i just was thinking that any change at all would be better than what i have now. 020817
belly fire away from me as fast as you can. 030113
amy in red I'm not silly- i know men discuss women with their friends. But i so sincerely want to avoid the deal where the person you're dating shows your picture to his friend - and the friend says 'run' - nor do i want to arrange myself to not arouse such a reaction - that i don't date at all, i yearn for other lives, i try to figure out how to survive without such people, even though it is not me that doesn't like them, and it's not homosexuality, it's reading the tea leaves, and i will change in my own time. If the man needs to wait, he can and i can wait for that look of worried betrayal - it wasn't me who caused it - to disappear from his eyes. I'm not kidding i'm willing to wait a long time because crass friendships shouldn't mob the candle of true love. but i'm willing to concede inexperience to which the only remedy is help, and lifetimes. I'm not holding out for anyone particularly, just people as allies or mutual friends, so my loves are all imaginary, currently, because the friend giving the thumbs down would certainly blot out all romance, always. Not seeking a silly 100% approval but needing a nonissue. A really good way to snap myself out of reverie is to ask if friends would likely veto. And then it turns into a slight chance in hell. My friends can feel badly for me but if they don't help at all they are only happenstance people and perhaps they even give the signal: run. Why don't i have solid allies in life? I really don't know. Maybe this is where i should start, like a politician, building a team that doesn't give that signal? hmmm. It would stop hurting me if they stopped directing people away. But then again, i'm officially paranoid. Did my shade of black wrongly (or rightly, who knows, they ran) scare them, or did they willfully misunderstand like it was their right, as the brotherhood? I don't try to be an island but still i am :( 160313
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