lied_my_way_to_courage leif You came home early in the morning because you didn't like sleeping without me. You said the dog would be fine without you for a few hours. I was happy to see you, but I hadn't quite slept off my late night feelings of betrayal. My heart was still fragile--the way you let me bury my body into yours is the only salvation I'd willingly request in prayer. There were black marks scattered across several of the pillows. You asked me if I'd been crying, so I lied. "The mascara sometimes just rubs off." I hadn't been crying hard. Just the honest, slow-paced trickle of a girl who's sad about the past despite her currently happy reality. I fell asleep listening to Matt Nathanson because it connected me to "then"; and I needed to feel my way through it if I was going to keep my lungs inhaling. I didn't mean for her to matter so much. I didn't mean for her to have taken a part of me. It's just that I didn't know I loved her, y'know? I didn't know she was anything more to me than a rush of blood and a way to learn what it meant to have a quickened pulse. The love just sort of decided it was a thing--it just forgot to let me know before it was too late. Before I could protect myself from all the hurt that I'm trying my darnedest to move through. The moving is slow. We fell asleep quickly after reuniting in our comfort. When I woke up for the second time I realised that you are the safest place for me to spill my honesty. I sighed. I rolled over and brought you into consciousness by saying, "I lied." I pointed to the black smears and hoped you'd understand. You did. And with the carefulness that I've grown dependent on, you opened your ears and your heart for the words I had to say. I told you that she hurt me. I told you that it still hurt. I told you that I was sorry if it was hard to hear that. Your encouragement to keep feeling it all just makes me love you more. It's these moments of my faulty courage wading through protective-lies to find you on the other side waiting bravely, that I know you'll discover more of me than anyone else. You embrace the hearts I gave away as though they are your own. Truth be told--I think they are yours. I'm committing to the learning of how to give them back to you. 150209 what's it to you? who go blather from