if_i_could_leave_my_body pilot tonight was so cold and the kind of night that is cloudless and clear, that the stars hang perfectly and reflect so intensely you feel as if you might fall into them. you and i went to play pool with some friends, and its been great now that lacie and lexi have moved in. at least now we have more options of people to hang out with that meet our "standards". but in actuality all this playing and nonsense about who's better and more "fresa" is just a game to me, with no rules except one: Play. maybe things between you and i will never be as i want them to be. you will not look at me or hold me or touch me as someone who truly authentically and genuinely loves me, not in that way. and though i long for you to look at me and ache to be near i know it will never happen like this. most drama settles over time and new issues arise, like a constant tide of conflicts and ideas, the waves roll in with elation or anger, jealousy and distrust, followed too closely by lust and love. we are a strange and difficult creature as humans. so complex with the divinity of our emotions and the frailty of our confidence (often in one another). and at least i can be thankful that you hold me, your heart beats and you let me listen, and you let me cradle you in my arms and our bodies are warm and pressed together under the cocoon of my down-comforter and egyptian cotton sheets. tonight was not that night. i apologize for my insensitive comments as we sat huddled and crunched in Dalila's backseat waiting at the gas station. i saw the hurt in your eyes even if it was for an instant, and its not ever a look i want to see come across your face knowing that i am the one who caused it. if i could leave my body now in this very moment i would become your shirt pocket of your most favorite shirt so i could be closest to you and that i could feel next to you and you would store only the most important things in me and i would be valued. i would be one set apart, and even if you found others or new shirts came along, this one shirt would remain your favorite and i would remain your shirt pocket. we are ridiculous and loud at times, and i'm too stubborn and righteous and proud. but i want you to know that i would give you everything and that you will always be to me the one that i have loved and never fully had. please know that you will never find someone like me...even if i embarrass you or make you feel ashamed (as i am certain you have confided in others), when we are alone...your eyes, your arms, your silent ways tell me that if i died or was lost or moved on, it would leave enough of a scar in you that you would bear it for years. 061231 ... crOwl i loved this. 061231 what's it to you? who go blather from