guitar_tabs bijou coming and going in waves. jamie. when i'm driving in my car i can't help thinking about him. i think this is okay, this will all come togethers. the piano plinks quick notes on my car's radio, and makes me think all of these cars are in a ballet and we are dancing past each other, stopping and going in turn, turning. sometimes we slam into each other, in the wrong place, a few steps out of beat. i always think about him when i'm driving. it's cold and the phone is quiet. i find myself at home plucking the strings of this guitar that has been ignored for so many years because i think of how it would make him so happy, like he planted something in me and walked away and when he came back it grew into all these songs. he just showed me a few notes and a crate full of books. but now the waves are crashing. we should be squishing our faces together hot under my flannel sheets, but instead i'm sleeping on my couch alone. it's too cold in my bed. at first i could not hold my head up under the unbearable lightness of being out of sight of you. like when you're in space and there's no pressure and you just explode. now it's just an ache. like back to always, back to empty ache. i keep my fingers away from the numbers, keep quiet for now. i don't play games and i don't know how to play it cool. "i never really mastered disinterest." never really mastered disinterest. 030226 ... raze i used to have all the emails he sent to himself from my computer. they were sitting in my sent items folder. i had everything i ever gave and got from anyone until that sadistic computer tech deleted all the emails and icq and aim conversations i asked him to save because he thought it was funny to torch part of my life. i still wake up choking on the ashes sometimes. all the tabs were for slayer songs. i looked at one of them and thought, "how could anyone make sense of this?" it looked like math to me. and by then my brain was done with math. i couldn't make music out of numbers. i had to feel it. he didn't just grab some tabs he found on the internet. he went through all my word documents when i wasn't looking and sent himself whatever he thought might be interesting. there was an unfinished play about ten days i was too busy living to document. it didn't get past the setup. there was a song by song breakdown of an album i wanted to send to a girl in new_orleans. some of the songs were about her. there were personal things no one was meant to see. i don't think he read any of it. he just wanted to have it. i still can't read tablature to save my life. but i can play you something you've never heard before. listen. 211128 what's it to you? who go blather from