bijou *sigh*

it was another night just like the rest, but i have been out of the country and this is what i miss. walking in the door of some sleazy bar you told me to meet you at. sometimes with friends, sometimes alone. but the moment i saw you i knew something was different.

youre drunk, i said, as soon as he walked up to me. he put his arms around me and hugged me hard."my favorite person in the world".and steered me towards the table of his friends. i have something in the car for you.

i was unlocking the door. "i'm moving to new york city. with tony. in seven months. my girlfriend decided she wants to be a stripper."

he held my face in his hands and pressed his forehead against mine.

some thing has changed.

"come with me."
you know i can't.
but i keep thinking about it. about how i could make it work. i've never even been to new york. i don't think i would like it. i think i like it here. i think i would just disappear there.

he put his lips so close. he told me i saved his life. i will do it again and again, i promise.

"come with me."

we went back inside. we went to another bar.

and this. and this. this thing. boys have a way to trick me into saying things i don't want to say. i can't say. "oh. your eyes. you are so beautiful. your eyes are killing me. what are you thinking about?" what is that look on your face for. why do you look so sad. please please tell me, they say, because they really think that they want to know. but they don't. i want you with me all the time. every second. "you know i can't do that." i know. but you made me tell you anyways. "your eyes, though." please, please stop. i can't fucking do this.

"you're going home with me tonight."

and i did. and oh, that bed. with the window. he snorted rails of cocaine and played the Strokes. i cuddled with his dog then kind of slept. half slept.

he kissed my face over and over. youre beautiful, youre beautiful. his hands all over my face.

something has changed.

i said to him, we're not normal people, are we? and he laughed loud, a cold, painful laugh. "no. not in the least."
uow at least the forecast says rain
at least it's cooler now than it was
what's it to you?
who go