i_just_cant tilt I'm sorry. I just can't. Some days. Most days. All days. I just can't do it. Life. I can't be alive. I've forgotten how. I can't smile. I can't cry. I can't forget the emptiness inside me. All used up. I'm a burned out shell again. 150827 ... tilt I thought this was over a long time ago. To feel- I just cried. A few precious drops in a drought. Not enough. But some relief. I used to not let myself, now I can't squeeze them out. -To feel your eyes prickle and the wretchedness rise up but to be denied the tears. How am I supposed to function like this. 150827 ... tilt Yes I want to cry I want floods to tears and feral sobbing to cleanse and purify my self. every time I feel them coming I hope for whatever is blocking inside me to give way to allow me the unfettered expression of my self to release it and then nothing a single sob and sinking back to emptyness there's nothing inside me but dull grey nothing. why am i denied even the sobbing. there is nothing. nothing left. to feel nothing. not even sad enough to cry. robbed me of even sadness. 150827 ... tilt I cried again. I feel a bit better. 150827 ... tilt 3 hours since I was triggered and I'm back to what passes for normal now. Which is a lingering empty feeling in my stomach that sort of feels like a hunger pang or a slight tummy ache. Makes me not eat unless you make me too. Lots of sighing and huffing. Unable to produce anything. Staring at the computer all day instead of doing any work at all (because i_just_cant), for weeks, months on end (the benefits of working from home, I can get away with it, for a time). Sometimes just staring at nothing at all. Brief moments of YEAH LET'S DO THIS which last around 15 seconds. Porn. Games. Facebook. Twitter. Reddit. Repeat for 9 hours a day all week. It's all I can manage. At least I'm sitting at the computer making typing and clicking noises. Metaphor for my life or what. Making all the right noises, sitting in the right position. To an outside observer it looks right. Just don't look at the screen. Don't look at what is actually going on. Don't look at me. 150827 ... tilt #Don't look at me. Don't look at me, it hurts# - Linea Aspera Synapse. 150827 ... tilt #A single moment was enough to create this# 150827 ... tilt . 150909 ... tilt is it too early to say I'm getting_better? We're getting better? It's getting better? 151107 what's it to you? who go blather from