chemotherapy metastatic birdmad i remember sitting with my mother through one of her chemotherapy sessions after her first surgery the vivid, almost iridescent, blue poison that they fed through the needle between her knuckles the concept is to inhibit the growth of new cells, but of course the chemotherapy doesn't differentiate between the healthy cells and the malignant ones in other words, you have to turn off your body's natural regenerative cycle. given the choice between getting checked and finding out that i am sick resulting in having some doctor flush me with poisons trying to "save" me by inducing a massive physical breakdown and going on ignorant of the corruption that may or may not be lurking in my flesh until it's far too late... ...i'll choose the latter it's a quality of life issue, why prolong and postpone the inevitable and get sicker in the process when you can just relax and enjoy the ride until you get there, and when you do the doctors will have no other choice but to give you some of the finest quality opiates until the trip is done 010407 ... birdmad wound tighter than a cheap watch on the other hand, maybe this whole episode is just me being neurotic either way, i'm still not going to the doctor 010407 ... unhinged they took out his gall bladder cause he had a tumor. then they found one in his pancreas. it was encased by his arteries...nothing they could do. no surgery. he doesn't want chemotherapy. so he lives in new york now undergoing 'alternative treatment'. everyone around here misses him. the jazz program is great because of tony leonardi. and now it looks like it's going to turn into nothing without him. but he was there to hear us. everyone gave him a standing ovation. we sure do miss him.... 010408 ... moonshine I remember when we celebrated her last chemotherapy, and I was too young to understand, yet I was still taking care of her. Everyday after school I rode my bike to her house. She was too sick to get up, her hair had fallen out underneath her pink scarf and she laid on the couch barely able to sit up. She drank from straws and watched sitcoms. She made it through the breast cancer in the end after the years, and I grew old enough to understand.. 010408 ... moonshine To understand blood isn't always thicker then water. 010408 ... birdmad especially not when your platelet count is low 010408 ... genetic timebomb birdmad there's a big bump on the lower left curve of my ribcage, just below the pectoral muscle, i figured it was just me getting fat again ( i hate when that happens) but it wasn't happening on the other side, at least nowhere near as fast a faint, dull ache when i breathe really deep. on one hand i am afraid on the other hand, i am relieved that the seemingly precognitive dream that has haunted me since i was a boy cannot come true i should see a doctor but i don't want to (but i should anyway) 010425 ... satan satan satan it's what thy wanna give me. no wait, that was psychotherapy my bad 010425 ... guitar_freak until you live with someone who has to undergo this it is jsut a word 011128 what's it to you? who go blather from